


Healing

by jjjeeessssss



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Family Fluff, Family Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Denmark/Norway (Hetalia), Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Post-World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:15:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 40,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjjeeessssss/pseuds/jjjeeessssss
Summary: It's the end of World War II. The Nordics, after not being together for six years, are living together again under the same roof. It's tough, and all they want to do is go back to normal. But how do you go back to normal after seeing nothing but death, destruction and fear for six years?The chapters after the prologue are the same events but in different point of views so there's some repetition, but it's to show how everybody is processing events differently. The prologue is a bit heavy with the history and there's no dialogue, but the rest of the story has a lot more going on! Also, I apologize if any of my history is incorrect!! I did my best with research.
Relationships: Denmark/Norway (Hetalia), Finland/Sweden (Hetalia)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 30





	1. Prologue

The Nordic family used to be inseparable. Even though they didn’t always get along and some of them had very rocky histories, they loved each other. All families fought anyway so it wasn’t anything new. And with the amount of time they spent together, there were bound to be arguments.  
After The Great War, the five men decided to live together again. It was 1918, things were changing. They weren’t too far into the new century and decided after this big war that it was best to work on their relationships with each other. They all thought it was a decent idea, and things were going well, too. It was a bit shaky being all together at first, but they managed to work around each other in a way that was fair to everyone.  
And then the late 1930s hit. World War Two had broken out on September 1 of 1939 and lasted until September 2 of 1945. It was the longest six years of these men’s lives. The life they had built quickly crumbled beneath them. Although Emil and Berwald had managed to keep their countries neutral during the war, they watched their family be ripped apart.  
Starting with Tino, a war had broken out with Ivan: The Winter War (November 30, 1939 to March 13, 1940). It began when the Soviet Union had invaded Finland not too long after the break out of World War Two. Ivan and his boss had wanted to renegotiate borders with Tino and his own boss, but they refused. Tino and his troops fought hard and Ivan lost many of his own during this conflict. For two months, Finland was able to hold the Soviet Union back in temperatures as low as -42°C. Eventually, though, the Soviet Union fixed their tactics enough where they were able to overcome Finnish defenses in February.  
During this month, Tino had to leave his home and live with the other nations under the Soviet Union in Ivan’s home. It was terrifying. Berwald wanted to help him, but couldn’t because of his nation’s neutrality. His boss didn’t let him go near any other country that had been a part of any conflicts. It was too dangerous. So for a month the family was without Tino. On March 12, 1940 the Moscow Peace Treaty was signed, which agreed to Finland giving up around eleven percent of its territory to the USSR, something Tino really didn’t want to do. But he didn’t have a choice so he went along with it, and his boss signed the treaty.  
On March 13, 1940, the day after the treaty was signed, Tino was sent home to his family. There were a lot of tears between everybody. Even Berwald cried, which was surprising for him.  
The five spent as much time as they could together, mainly making sure that Tino was okay. He’d seen horrible things in the Soviet Union home. Ivan didn’t do much, but his boss and guards picked on everybody. Nobody was left alone in that house and the abuse ranged for everybody.  
Tino was a lot jumpier than he’d ever been. And no matter how hard he tried to remain his usually happy self, it was painfully obvious to his family that he was struggling. He was scared to be touched, he couldn’t be surprised, and he had the worst nightmares he’d ever had. Most nights were spent with Berwald comforting him and them having to stay up for the rest of the night because Tino was just too scared to go back to sleep. He would try to tell Berwald to go to bed, but he would always refuse because he wanted to make sure Tino was okay.  
While they were occupied, Mathias was making sure that Emil and Lukas were doing okay during everything going on. All three of them were scared that more of their family would be split apart. This was coming from seeing Tino being taken away for a month and then the fact that Iceland had never been completely independent. This put Emil at a bigger risk of being targeted. And Mathias made sure nothing was going on with his country because he knew that if something happened to Denmark, there was a high possibility it would happen to Iceland. All they could really do, though, was look out for each other, so they made sure that they did that. And with the attack on Poland in September of 1939, the men knew that they had to keep their guards up.  
But on April 9, 1940, Denmark was invaded. Mathias had no choice but to leave the house and his family. Ludwig’s boss had made a big enough home for Ludwig, Feliks, Mathias, and other nations he was planning on taking. Lukas was next, but the fighting had been prolonged for about 62 days with the Norwegian Campaign. It was led by the Allies and was their way of trying to occupy Northern Norway. It did not work. It went through until June 10, 1940, the day that Norway surrendered to Germany. This meant that Lukas was also supposed to leave his home and family to live with Ludwig and the others. The only thing he had to look forward to was seeing Mathias again. But he had to leave behind Berwald and Tino, and his little brother, who was now by himself.  
Iceland had declared neutrality during the war, but the country was still under Danish rule. Emil didn’t know what it was like being on his own. He still lived with Berwald and Tino, but had to return to Iceland for a short time on May 10, 1940 when the United Kingdom had invaded it. This was because Britain feared Iceland would be used by the Germans, like they were doing to Denmark. After the invasion, Emil went back to Berwald and Tino, staying with them in hopes that the war would end very soon with the Allies on top.  
However, on June 25, 1941, the Continuation War took place between Finland and Germany against the Soviet Union. It lasted until September 19, 1944. The war was to get back the lost Finnish territory from the Soviet Union and ended with the signing of the Moscow Armistice. The Soviet Union won, leaving Tino more defeated than he was before. He had returned to his home to get through the war, but went back to Berwald and Emil after the Armistice was signed.  
On June 17, 1944, Iceland had officially dissolved its union with Denmark. Although Emil had been working on controlling his nation on his own for four years at this point, he wasn’t able to fully dissolve their union until this point. He and his boss had gotten somewhat used to being fully independent so the Republic of Iceland was formed, and their neutrality continued until the end of the war.  
On May 5, 1945, Denmark was free from German control. Mathias didn’t want to leave without Lukas. He couldn’t. They’d been together for so long and promised not to leave each other behind, and now was not the time to forget that promise. Truth be told, Mathias was too scared to be on his own. They’d relied on each other for so long and they’d seen the war together. To leave Lukas in that house wasn’t right.  
But Lukas disagreed. He knew that Mathias would not be safe if he stayed. While Mathias said that he wouldn’t leave, Lukas argued and said that he didn’t have a choice. They went back and forth for three hours. Mathias just wanted to be with someone while going home. He knew that the other three were still there, and knew that their family would not be complete with only four in their house. But Lukas knew that if Mathias stayed, his territory would be in danger again and he, himself, would be in danger. There was no telling what Ludwig or his boss would do.  
They didn’t have a good goodbye.  
After the three hours, Mathias finally left. He didn’t stop moving until he was back at the house he hadn’t seen in five years. The first thing he did when he saw Berwald open the door was collapse into him and cry. And he didn’t stop until May 11, 1945 when Norway had returned home after being released from German rule on May 8. Lukas got to the house as fast as he could. And he ran straight to Mathias, apologizing to him and the two cried into each other as the rest of their family surrounded them in a hug.  
The five, now back together, were not the same.  
After seeing what happened during the war, they’d all had huge changes to their lives. Tino was still getting nightmares, but they were worsening. Mathias had been having nightmares too from being separated from his family, working his way back home and seeing everything unfold. But he began to develop a reliance on alcohol to get through the nights easier. Lukas had been checking in on everybody around the house and stopped checking in on himself as much. He had nightmares, but not as intense or often as the other two. Emil, after being on his own suddenly, was too afraid to make bonds with his family again. He locked himself in his bedroom and would stay there for most of the days without eating or drinking much. And Berwald was having trouble voicing how he was feeling more than usual. He was constantly with Tino and desperate to get him through his nightmares, but wasn’t paying attention to his own needs.  
Even though the men had been trying to get back on track with their lives, it didn’t seem as though they could get the right footing. So much had happened at once and then they were just…put back together.  
It was no longer as easy to be around each other, and it was very clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!! Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I hope you liked it and continue on with the story! I promise there's dialogue throughout it, hah, it's not all narrative.  
> sources for my history:  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_War#:~:text=The%20Winter%20War%20was%20a,Treaty%20on%2013%20March%201940.  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norwegian_campaign  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasion_of_Iceland  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continuation_War  
> (just in case anybody wants to know a bit more)


	2. Finland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **just a warning that there are mentions of PTSD, depression, anxiety

Tino was used to bad dreams. What nation wasn’t with their history? But these had been something new. Tino didn’t remember the last time he wasn’t able to sleep in his own bed. He didn’t even remember the last time he wasn’t able to get through nights with his own husband. He thought that after being away from Ivan and his house, he would be more than happy to sleep in his and Berwald’s own bed again, but that wasn’t the case no matter how hard he tried to change it.

He was getting them since he returned from the Soviet Union, but they weren’t as prevalent as they currently were. They didn’t start really waking him up as much as they did until after World War Two. And from here, they only worsened. The family was back together again, but the damage had been done. Tino had seen things he didn’t think possible.

This morning, Tino woke up earlier than everybody else again. His eyes opened fast and he was met with the wall next to his side of the bed. When he took in his surroundings, he sighed heavily, calming down. He went to stand, but quickly slipped and fell off of the bed with a quiet yelp. He froze on the ground, hoping that Berwald hadn’t heard him.

This seemed to be happening a lot lately. When Tino would first have his nightmares, he would wake Berwald for help, but the two didn’t think much of it. Tino would be able to sleep easily after calming down, but when the dreams worsened, it was a little different. Tino wouldn’t wake Berwald, but he would wake up anyway, usually to the sound of crying. From there, they would spend the rest of the night awake unless Tino tired himself out and fell asleep.

But when November of 1945 rolled around, Tino wasn’t as loud when he cried so Berwald woke up less. And by the second month, Tino began going downstairs to the couch in the living room. He would sleep there and usually was found by Berwald the next morning. By the third month, the tears stopped. Some nights if he was too tired to go downstairs, Tino would go to sleep on the floor next to the bed. No matter how much time had passed, he always felt guilty about leaving Berwald alone in their room.

It couldn’t have been easy to wake up alone after doing it.

During the war, all Tino could think about was his family. He was worried for them and hated being away from them, hence why he didn’t pay attention to his nightmares as much. But once the family was brought back together, he didn’t have anyone to worry about. Of course he was worrying about their mental states, but he no longer had to worry if they were in any physical danger like they could have been during the war. With the worry shrinking, his nightmares could now get more attention.

Tino sat on his knees and peered over the side of the bed at Berwald. His eyes were shut and his breathing was even. Tino sighed in relief and climbed back into their bed slowly, too tired to go back downstairs into the living room. Plus, he couldn’t leave Berwald alone in their bed again.

Tino didn’t bother getting too deep under the blankets. Slowly his eyes shut again, and sleep came slowly. His eyes opened again a few times in the night when he felt his dreams starting to turn against him. He eventually stopped trying to sleep and just stared at the wall. There was a shift in the mattress a little while after, and he figured Berwald had woken up. “Are you okay?”, he heard.

The scene of the nightmare came flooding back into Tino’s head. He brought his knees to his chest. “Nightmare again.” It wasn’t anything new.

“The same one?”

Tino shook his head. “No. But it was just as bad.” His voice sounded as small as he felt.

“What do you need?”

He needed to get rid of these damn nightmares so he could sleep regularly for once. But he knew Berwald couldn’t do much about that.“Dunno.” He didn’t know what else to say. “Just need to sit here.” He slowly turned to lay on his back. “Can we just stay here for little?”, he asked as he reached for Berwald’s hand.

“We have to get ready soon.”

“I know.” He paused. This was Berwald’s way of trying to get Tino up for the day so he didn’t spend most of the morning in bed. Finding motivation on his own had been hard lately. “I just want to sit here with you.”

“Take your time.” He felt Berwald nuzzle into him.

He shut his eyes, but didn’t fall asleep. He didn’t want to anyway. They stayed in their bed for awhile. Tino never really shared anything about nightmares anymore except for the fact that they were graphic. He was happy that Berwald was quiet and didn’t ask about them.

When Berwald’s hand slipped away from his, Tino’s eyes opened and he saw Berwald sitting up. “It’s getting late,” he said. “Maybe you should try showing.”

Tino refrained from frowning. “But I’m comfortable.”

“I know, but maybe if you shower you’ll feel better. And I can make you coffee.”

Tino gulped and looked over to the wall. He highly doubted that he’d feel any better, but knew that if he said no Berwald would try to make more excuses to get out of bed. “I guess.”

“C’mon.” He felt a hand on his arm. “Sit up.”

“I don’t want to.” He was slowly pulled into a sitting position.

“I know.” Tino watched as Berwald walked to his side of the bed. “You’ll be okay.”

Tino got to his feet and held onto Berwald’s hand as they slowly walked to the bathroom. Everybody else was still in their bedrooms by the look of their closed doors.

When they got to the bathroom, Tino pushed the door open and stared into the room. He looked up at Berwald after a moment. “Are you going to go downstairs?”

Berwald nodded.

Tino glanced into the bathroom then back up at Berwald. He really didn’t want to be alone. “Could you stay with me?” Did he _really_ say that outloud?”

Berwald blinked. “Stay?”

“Like sit in the bathroom with me?” _Great, now he’s weirded out._ He bit his lip and looked away. “It’s silly, sorry.”

Tino was surprised to hear Berwald say, “It isn’t.” He walked into the room and turned on the light. “I’ll stay.”

~

It might have seemed weird for Berwald to sit in the bathroom as Tino got through his shower, but Tino had felt his fear fade away while getting through his routine. Although it was quiet between the two, it wasn’t awkward. It usually wasn’t. They traded a few words, but didn’t have much of a conversation. But he didn’t mind, and hoped that Berwald didn’t either.

Tino concentrated on getting himself as clean as he could instead of talking. It seemed that no matter how much he scrubbed at his arms, he just wasn’t clean.

When Berwald asked him if he was okay after a few minutes of silence, Tino snapped out of his thoughts and realized how long he had been taking. He said a quick “yes” and shut off the water. He poked his head out of the shower curtain and asked, “Could you pass me a towel?”

He saw Berwald nod and hand him one.

“Thank you.” He went behind the curtain again and dried himself off before wrapping himself in the towel.

“I got you clothes,” Berwald said. “Should I leave you to get dressed?”

Tino nodded despite Berwald not being able to see him. “Yes, please.”

"I’ll go make coffee.”

Tino heard footsteps leaving then the sound of the door shutting. He stepped out of the shower carefully after making sure the door was shut. He saw his clothes resting on top of the counter and smiled slightly.

Running to the door, he locked it and breathed a sigh of relief. He went to the sink where his clothes were resting and looked up into the mirror, but grimaced at the look of himself.

He looked _exhausted_. The dark circles under his eyes were darker than he’d ever seen. He knew sleep would help with them, but he never wanted to sleep in the first place because those damn nightmares were relentless. And no matter who told him that it was all in the past or that nobody could hurt him anymore, he never felt better.

And sometimes he didn’t even want to sleep with Berwald. What kind of person was scare to sleep with the person they love? He thought he should be happy to be with Berwald again because he would have somebody to hold him when he was scared, but then again sometimes he just didn’t want to be touched. In the Soviet Union, everybody would huddle together when scared, and talk to each other calmly to get rid of the fear. He didn’t want that.

So he would go into the living room where he could sleep on his own, but sometimes he was too tired to go downstairs so he’d just take a pillow and sleep on the ground. And every morning after, he felt terrible when Berwald would wake him up and ask if he was okay. And when he was on the ground, he’d usually wake up in his bed from Berwald putting him back there.

Tino just felt as though he was taking all of Berwald’s kindness for granted.

Tino shook his head to snap himself out of his thoughts. He hated when he fell into those episodes of thinking so deeply. It reminded him of all of the times he thought about his family in the Union. Because he had nothing else to do but think. Well, there was also being scared.

He dressed himself and brushed his teeth. After, before he left the room, he caught another glance of himself in the mirror. He didn’t recognize who he was staring at, and felt that he never would. He sighed sadly, and cleaned the bathroom quickly before going down into the kitchen.

Berwald was at the coffee pot. Tino looked around the room without saying anything and saw that he was the only person in the kitchen. He wasn’t surprised, the others had been staying in their rooms a little longer than they used to. Mathias and Lukas were probably still sleeping and Emil was probably awake, but staying in his room.

Tino could feel tears building in his eyes, to his surprise. Whenever he could, Berwald was helping the family. He was even helping Mathias, despite their history. And he was patient, and managed to stay calm though everything. Tino didn’t know how, but was grateful that he could find a way to do so.

When Tino’s tears spilled over, he didn’t attempt to wipe them away. He sniffed and walked over to Berwald silently. He threw his arms around his husband’s backside and buried his head into him.

After a few seconds, he heard a soft, “What’s wrong?”

Tino sobbed a few times before composing himself enough to say, “Thank you.”

Berwald removed Tino from his back and spun around to hug him properly.

~

Tino’s eyes opened and he was met with the wall again. _Ugh, not again._ It was the same dream as yesterday morning. So would this be the new recurring dream he would get, or would he have two now?

Tino turned his head and saw Berwald sound asleep. He couldn't see the clock in the darkness, but figured it was early anyway. Either way, he knew it was too early for him to be awake, but he was too scared to go back to sleep. He looked back over to Berwald, who was still asleep, and frowned as he left the bed. He hated this, but it was either doing this or not sleeping at all.

Tino trudged down the stairs into the living room. The couch was empty, and so was the rest of the living room. That was good, it meant that everybody else was asleep in their rooms. Hopefully.

He shook his head and grabbed a small blanket, curling himself up on the couch. He could put on the T.V. to help him sleep quicker, but there was nothing on right now. And he didn’t want to wake anybody up. Plus, the light would be too bright. He would just wait for sleep to overtake him in the quiet darkness.

After a few minutes, Tino sighed. Did he _really_ need sleep? He could easily start his day at whatever time it was and just work through the fatigue with coffee. Lukas did it sometimes, and so did Emil. And they seemed to be able to get through. Sometimes Emil even did it without coffee.

No, he couldn’t do that. When Lukas didn’t sleep, he was fine, but he was good at hiding his feelings. Emil would get very irritable and cranky. Tino knew the second scenario would happen with him, and the last thing he wanted to do was upset anybody with a bad attitude.

Tino didn’t know how much time had passed, but he was eventually taken over by his sleep, his thoughts slowly coming to a stop. The next thing he knew was he was being shaken awake gently by Berwald, who was saying that he made coffee.

~

The next morning Tino woke up in his bed alone. At least he was in his bed. He rubbed his eyes and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. He’d have to get up eventually so might as well get up now. Any minute now he would swing his legs over his bed and go downstairs. Any minute.

What felt like a few minutes was really close to an hour when he found the strength to stand. He only focused on the fact that he wanted coffee so he didn’t go back to sleep.

When he walked into the kitchen, he wasn’t surprised to see Berwald, but he was surprised to see Mathias. Slowly he raised a hand to wave to the men as he walked inside. “ _Hyvää huomenta_.”

Mathias’s eyebrows furrowed. “You okay, Fin?”, he asked.

Tino rubbed his eyes. “Just tired.” He tried to keep some sort of pep in his voice, but felt like it wasn’t very convincing.

He started going over to the coffee pot, but then Berwald was in front of him. “Sit,” he said as he guided Tino to a chair. “I’ll get your coffee.”

Tino felt a smile coming to his lips. “Thank you.”

Mathias looked at Tino. “Nightmare wake you up again?”

Tino shook his head, thankful he could actually say no to that question. “No, but…I did have one again.” He wasn’t thankful for the last part of his answer. Berwald sat next to him as he put a mug in front of him. “Thank you.”

“Mm.”

After taking a small sip from his cup, Tino looked back over at Mathias. “You’re up earlier than usual.”

Mathias shrugged. “I fell asleep down here again and Berwald woke me up.”

He hoped he hadn’t had any alcohol. “Is that why you’re showered too?”

Mathias nodded. “Yeah. It’s nice getting up early.”

“Well I’m happy you’re up.” He looked up at Berwald. “It’s strange seeing him ready before you.”

“Mm,” Berwald said in response.

After, they sat in silence. It wasn’t anything new. Usually when it was just him and Berwald, they were quiet too.

Tino finished his first cup of coffee before Mathias, which wasn’t surprising because Tino was always fast with coffee. He got up and got himself more. The first cup hadn’t settled in yet, but he hoped a second cup would help the caffeine kick in quicker.

The silence was deafening, but there really wasn’t anything to say. Tino and Berwald were usually silent as Mathias chewed off their ears, but now after suffering from so many nightmares, Mathias had fallen silent too.

And it felt as though Tino’s PTSD had gotten to a point where he could not control it or his life any longer. And his life would go on for however long his nation did so he felt stuck. Would he have to deal with PTSD for hundreds of years? Would this ever get better? Would his family ever go back to normal?

 _Ugh, this isn’t the time._ Tino shook his head and smiled at Mathias when they met eyes by accident. They looked over to Berwald, who was still sipping on his coffee. When he put his mug down, Tino didn’t see anything in it. He didn’t say anything, figuring that Berwald would notice at some point and fill his cup back up if he wanted any more coffee.

But when Berwald kept sipping at nothing, Tino looked back over to Mathias in confusion. Mathias shrugged. After a few more sips, Tino said, “Berwald?” There was no answer so Tino said it again, but a little louder. “Berwald?” Still nothing so Tino put a hand to his husband’s arm and shook it lightly. “Berwald?”

Berwald shook his head and looked down at Tino. “Hm?” He set his mug down.

“Your cup has been empty for the last five minutes.”

Berwald blinked as he looked down into his mug. “Oh.”

“Do you want more coffee?”

Before he could answer, Lukas was walking into the kitchen. “ _God morgen,_ ” he said.

Mathias smiled at him. “Morning, Nor.” Tino almost frowned by the absence of his usual excitement in it. “Berwald made coffee.”

Lukas nodded. “Thanks.” He went to the pot, getting himself a cup.

When he took a seat next to Mathias, the silence from before resumed. It was quiet for a few minutes. Lukas sipped blankly at his cup and Mathias played with his empty one. When the cup fell on its side, Mathias set it back up and stopped touching it. He straightened and glanced at Lukas. “So, did you see Emil this morning?”

Lukas nodded without looking away from his cup. “Yeah.” He paused to suck in a breath. Tino had a feeling nothing would be very different regarding Emil. “He said he wasn’t hungry as usual and doesn’t want breakfast. And he said that he would come down soon.” He always did, and usually didn’t come downstairs. At least he talked to Lukas.

Nobody said anything again, except for Berwald who had stood and put his mug in the sink. “I’m going to shower.” Tino smiled at the light kiss he received on his cheek and watched as Berwald left the room.

“What was with him drinking air before?”, Mathias chuckled.

Tino shrugged, smiling still. “I think he was thinking.”

“He seems to be doing a lot of that lately,” Lukas sighed.

Tino’s smile dipped lightly. “Yeah…”

The silence resumed.

~

Tino woke up on his own the next morning. And he almost felt…peaceful. He went to bed early because the coffee hadn’t really done as much work as he’d hoped for. But…there was no nightmare. When he woke up, it was on his own. He wasn’t cowering on the edge of the bed, he wasn’t on the floor and he wasn't on the couch downstairs.

He noticed he was awake before Berwald, but there was light coming through the blinds slightly and he could see the clock. _8:12._ He smiled wide and flipped onto his side where he could see Berwald laying on his back, still asleep.

A few minutes later, Berwald’s eyes fluttered open. He turned to his side and his eyebrows furrowed when he saw Tino looking at him.

Tino’s smile fell slightly when he saw Berwald wake up.

“Are you okay?”

Tino nodded, his smile coming back. “Yeah, I was just…admiring.”

“Did you have a nightmare?”

Tino shook his head happily. “Nope.”

He could see Berwald’s lips coming to a very small smile. “Good.”

Tino reached for Berwald’s hand. “Should we check if any of the others are awake?”

“Mm.”

Tino shifted himself closer to Berwald to give him a kiss on the lips quickly. He didn’t notice the surprise on Berwald’s face as he rolled away and stood. He walked to Berwald’s side of the bed and took his hand as he stood. They went into the hall. “Who should we go to first?”

Berwald shrugged. “Emil?”

Tino nodded, walking into the direction of Emil’s room with Berwald. He knocked on the door gently then opened it quietly. “Emil? Are you awake?” He was very confused when they saw the empty room.

Berwald looked down at him. “Maybe he’s with Lukas.”

Tino nodded. “Good idea.” They walked over to Lukas’s room and knocked carefully. When there was no answer, he opened the door, but, again, there was no one in the room. He felt worry grow in his stomach.

Tino took his hand from Berwald’s and he rushed down the hallway to Mathias’s room. Instead of knocking, he just threw the door open and ran inside. Berwald showed up behind his husband and a hand went to his shoulder in panic. Tino breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing Mathias, Lukas and Emil all curled up together in Mathias’s bed.

Tino looked up at Berwald.

Berwald moved his hand from Tino’s shoulder back to his hand. “Let’s let them sleep.”

Tino nodded and they left the room quietly. It was good to see Mathias away from beer, Emil out of his room and Lukas caring for both of them.

~

Tino and Berwald were at the kitchen table, enjoying their usual morning coffee. They hadn’t discussed seeing Mathias, Lukas and Emil together because if the three wanted to talk about it, they would. Instead, they held small talk while sipping at their drinks and holding hands. It was easier to enjoy the quiet after a nightmare-free night. Tino was feeling a lot better than he had in awhile. He usually didn’t get a break, but this morning he finally could.

Lukas was first to come down out of the three upstairs.

“Good morning,” Tino smiled.

Lukas nodded to them. “Morning.” He walked over to the coffee pot.

“How did you and the boys sleep? Was everything okay last night?” Tino wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to ask about them all sleeping together, but knew that if Lukas was uncomfortable, he would voice it.

Lukas poured his coffee and turned to face the two. He spoke carefully. “Mathias had a bit of a…moment, I guess. He’s okay. Emil just wanted to be with us in the room so we shared Mathias’s bed.” He took a seat across from Tino and Berwald. “How are you two?”

Tino figured he didn’t want to say anymore and respected it. “Good,” he replied with a smile.

“How did you two sleep?”

“Really well, we had a peaceful night.” He looked up at Berwald, but then turned back to Lukas. “I wish that I knew Mathias was having problems, though. I would have helped.”

Lukas shook his head. “Don’t do that. You two deserve a peaceful night for a change.”

Tino could see Berwald nodding in the corner of his eye. Maybe he was right. But it didn’t sit right with him that it was okay for him to sit to the side. His family was doing a lot for him so why should he not help them?

~

Tino and Berwald had a normal night. It wasn’t peaceful, but it wasn’t horrible. Tino had gotten through the night, luckily, and had spent it in his bed. This morning, though, the house was strangely quiet. It was always quiet, but today felt a bit different.

The couple had been close to the bottom of the staircase when they saw Mathias holding Lukas. And they both were definitely upset about something. Tino rushed to the bottom of the stairs. “Hey, what happened?”, he asked softly with concern in his voice.

Mathias gulped, surprised to see the two. “Um…I’m gonna just go make sure he’s okay.” He seemed like he was in a rush to get upstairs. “I just wanna bring him to his room.”

Tino felt Berwald put a hand on his shoulder. Tino backed up slightly, understanding the message and let Mathias continue to the stairs. Tino tried to look up to the second floor to make sure Mathias and Lukas were alright, but Berwald pulled him into the direction of the kitchen. “They’ll talk when they’re ready,” he said.

Tino nodded. “Right.” They walked to the kitchen and Berwald sat Tino down as he made coffee. He couldn’t help but ask, “Do you think they’ll be okay?”, as Berwald sat beside him.

Berwald nodded. “Maybe.” He held Tino’s hand on the table.

Tino didn’t feel very reassured and pouted slightly, his nerves building. He went to ask another question, but then he stopped when somebody walked into the kitchen. Tino looked like he’d seen a ghost. He turned his head and looked up at Berwald in astonishment. Emil was downstairs!

Tino turned to Emil. “Good morning, Ice,” he said, trying to hide his surprise.

Emil jumped and turned around, fear clear in his eyes. “ _Góðan daginn._ ” He seemed to struggle to talk.

“Is everything okay?”, Berwald asked.

Emil nodded. “Mhm.”

Tino felt sympathetic, but hoped that if he kept talking Emil would relax. “You’re out of your room,” he said. He tried to calm his smile down. He couldn’t help but feel happy for him.

Emil nodded again.

“Do you want to sit?” Emil walked over to the table, and shook the entire way.

Tino feared he would fall before getting into a chair, but, luckily, that didn’t happen.

Tino put a hand to his back, trying to comfort him. “It’s okay, we’re right here.”

Emil looked up quickly and said, “Is Lukas okay?”

He wasn’t sure what to say, so he looked over to Berwald, hoping he had an answer. Berwald spoke carefully. “We don’t know.” His eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Is that why you came down here?”

Emil nodded once more. “I got worried. I saw Mathias carrying him.”

“Mm,” Tino hummed. He took a pause before explaining, “We saw him while coming down here. He didn’t say what happened, just that he had to bring him to his room.”

There was a pause. “I, um…brought all of the cups downstairs,” Emil said. Tino furrowed his eyebrows, realizing he must have been trying to change the topic.

When he saw Emil’s eyes begin to water, his own widened slightly. Emil took in a breath, but it turned into a choked sob of some sort. Tino spoke slowly. “Emil, what do you need?” He leaned in closer. “What can I do?”

Emil tried to hide his face and shook his head. “I don’t know…”

“Okay, just relax.” Tino stood himself up and shuffled closer to Emil, wrapping his arms tightly around him. “It’s okay.” He felt Emil’s head fall into him and the two just sat there.

Tino wished that Emil would voice how he felt more often. Then again, the whole house really wasn’t doing that anymore.

~

Tino’s nightmare the next morning was one of the worst he’d ever had. He shifted in his sleep numerous times. This dream wouldn’t stop, it just kept getting worse. And he wasn’t waking up either, which was not making anything any better.

He flipped back and forth under the blankets and whimpered helplessly. He kept telling himself to open his eyes because he knew what was happening was in his dreams and not in his reality. But it _did_ happen in his past and it kept coming back to haunt him. He didn’t know what to do.

He thought he felt something shaking him, but all he could do was pull away. There was a touch on his arm, but it wasn’t enough to snap him out of his state. He heard his name, and then, “ _Älskling_ , please wake up.” His eyes flew open with a loud gasp.

He couldn’t comprehend where he was or what was going on, but all he knew was that he was scared. His eyes wandered as he tried to focus on something— _anything_. Nothing was happening.

“Tino?”

Tino’s eyes quickly met Berwald’s. He didn’t know what to say.

“Nightmare?” Berwald’s voice was soft.

He couldn’t think of how to answer. The images were still flashing through his mind. He sniffed loudly and his breathing quickened. His head fell into his pillow after nodding in response.

He heard a faint, “It’s okay.” His arm was grabbed gently and Berwald flipped him back onto his back. “It’s okay.”

Tino brought his sleeve to his eyes to wipe the tears away, but left his arm there to hide his face. “No, it’s not,” he sobbed weakly. He didn’t know what had set him off so badly. He hadn’t cried from a nightmare in so long that he felt embarrassed by the scene he was making. “Stupid Ivan ruining _everything_! His stupid need to have the whole world under his thumb and to control innocent people!” He sobbed and hiccuped in between words. “But all he did was ruin minds and hurt people!” He paused to catch his breath. “The stupid wars made everything worse! And now everyone in the house is just getting worse! Nobody is getting better because it feels hopeless to even _do_ anything anymore!” He sniffed loudly as he wiped at his tears again. His eyes met Berwald’s eyes “You seem like you’re the only one who has hope anymore, Berwald.” His voice was softer. “You know what to say and what to do with everybody. You actually have hope, and here I am just throwing your kindness away. It’s not fair to you, and I don’t deserve you.”

“You’re…a good person.” Tino shook his head. Before he could say anything, Berwald did. “Don’t. I’m okay with helping you.”

Tino sobbed, getting worked up again. “But it feels like I’m taking advantage of you.”

Berwald shook his head and he leaned closer to Tino. “Don’t say that.” Tino felt his hand being taken. “Don’t.”

Tino wiped his eyes again. He knew that he couldn’t argue with Berwald. But if they didn’t argue about this then they would sit in silence. He didn’t want to sit in silence. “Can I…?” He couldn’t ask this. “Nevermind.”

“You can say it.” He was afraid Berwald would say that.

“Can I talk about the…dream?”

Berwald was quiet. Like he was thinking.

“Was that stupid to ask?”

“Hm?”

“You were kind of just staring…” He gulped and his hand slipped out of Berwald’s. Maybe he just needed some more sleep. “It’s fine, I don’t want to even talk about it.”

“No, no. You can talk about it. I’ll listen.”

Tino turned his head to Berwald. “Really?”

Berwald nodded. “Of course.”

The two kind of just…sat in their spots. Berwald was propped up on his elbow, waiting patiently for Tino to begin talking. After a few minutes, Tino gulped and flipped himself back on his side. He sat on his elbow, similar to Berwald. A few times, he had opened his mouth to start, but didn’t know how to, so he stopped himself.

“It’s okay.”

When Berwald took his hand gently, Tino found his voice. “Ivan didn’t do much to us.” He just blurted it out. He wasn’t sure where to go, but he kept talking, hoping he’d find a path. “But he did want to live with everybody.” He stared at the sheets under him and Berwald. “But his boss was… _cruel_.” He felt his bottom lip begin to quiver and received a reassuring squeeze to his hand. He could feel Berwald running his thumb over his knuckles in an attempt to relax him. He stiffened slightly as he continued. “And the stupid guards were okay with doing whatever they wanted to us.” He heard his voice break and crack in between words. “First they would go after Natalia and Yeketerina…then Ravis…and he would cry all the time.”

He had to pause a few times, and Berwald let him. He needed to breathe. “Then he went after Eduard and Toris. And Toris would take all of the beatings for everyone…He didn’t care what happened to him, he just wanted the others to be okay. But then the guards stopped going after him, I guess they got bored.” He squeezed his eyes shut tightly. This next part wouldn’t be any easier. “Then they started taking me.” He looked up to Berwald. “And Ivan would try to stop it, but his boss would stop him.” Looking away quickly, he continued. “And the nightmare was just reliving everything they did.” His elbow fell out from under him and he sobbed. “ _Voi luoja_ …”, he cursed as a rush of tears came over him. “And the abuse was different depending on who you were,” he added weakly. His hand slipped out of Berwald’s again. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize.”

He felt his body shake with sobs and he could barely speak. “And you call me a strong person, but I don’t feel it.” He shook his head. “I never know what you or the others are talking about when you say that I’m so strong for getting through this. What am I getting through? I can barely talk about it!”

“You’re a strong person.” Berwald didn’t even hesitate.

Tino shook his head again. “No, I’m not.” He lifted his hand and brought it to Berwald’s cheek. “ _You’re_ the strong one.”

The next thing that happened was nowhere near expected.

Berwald’s bottom lip began to quiver. Tino let out a small noise of surprise and watched as Berwald moved backwards slightly. He covered his mouth. “B-Berwald?”

Berwald dragged his hand down the bottom part of his face. “ _Skit_ ,” he said. His voice was quiet and slightly panicked.

Tino froze. He knew from the beginning of everything that, with everything Berwald was doing for him, he would have to repay him at some point. And this was that time.

Berwald was trying to hide his face, but Tino stopped him. He hooked his fingers under the other’s chin and brought him to face him. “It’s okay,” he said softly. His own tears had stopped, which he was happy about. He didn’t want to focus on himself anymore, he wanted to be there for Berwald.

Tino wiped at Berwald’s tears. “Shh.” He kissed his forehead. “I’m right here.” His wrist was held onto and kept in place desperately. Tino waited for him to relax, mirroring the patience he’d received so many times. Carefully, Tino took his thumb from his free hand and swiped at Berwald’s cheek gently again.

Berwald opened his eyes and met Tino’s. “Sorry,” he gulped.

Tino shook his head. “You don’t let me apologize so I’m not letting you.” He moved forward and kissed Berwald’s forehead again. “ _Rakastan sinua niin paljon._ ”

Berwald sniffled after sitting up. “ _Jag älskar dig också._ ” He reached out for Tino’s cheek, and Tino nuzzled into his hand lovingly. He opened his eyes in confusion as Berwald pulled his hand away, but the confusion quickly went away when he was pulled into Berwald’s chest. He heard a quiet, “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

Tino buried his head into Berwald. “I’m sorry you’ve been keeping everything to yourself.” He paused, looking up at Berwald. “Why didn’t you tell me you were so upset about everything?”

“Didn’t want to upset you.” Of course he’d say that.

“Nonsense. You’ve been listening to me go on for so long now. I want to make sure that you are okay, too. That’s what we need to do. You’re trying to be the big strong guy in the house, but you shouldn’t have to hide what you feel to protect us.” Berwald squeezed Tino close to him.

“Mm. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I love you.”

Tino felt Berwald kiss his cheek quick. “Love you, too.”

Tino took his hands from Berwald’s chest and moved them up to his face, holding onto his cheeks. “Look at me for a second.” When Berwald met his eyes, he continued. “You’re amazing and I love you. And thank you for helping me.” He nodded as tears started coming to his eyes again. “And I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and I love that you’re always with me, but you also have to work on helping yourself.”

“Mm.”

“And I’m always here for you.” He drew forward and brought Berwald’s face closer to his to give him a small kiss on his lips. “Got it? You’re stuck with me.”

Tino saw a small smile forming from Berwald. “Mm. Okay.” Tino was sad to see the smile go away quickly. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk about your nightmare more.”

He’d almost forgotten about that. He blinked then shook his head. “No, don’t be. It was…getting too hard anyway.” He smiled wider and said, “We made progress, though. I was finally able to talk about,” he gulped, “…you know. And you cried. Which is good! Because you expressed yourself.” And Tino was happy that Berwald was able to do that.

There was a heaviness in Tino’s heart when he saw his husband cry the way he did. He felt so angry with himself for not considering Berwald’s feelings about everything sooner. He knew that watching everything unravel could not have been easy.

Tino stayed hugging Berwald for a while. He wasn’t ready to get out of bed just yet, and neither was Berwald. They were just happy to be with each other. And they hoped that later in the day would be a lot better for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If some things seem a bit murky, don'y worry! It's supposed to seem a bit vague at times, and will be expanded on later in the story!
> 
> Translations!!  
> Finnish: Hyvää huomenta: Good morning, Voi luoja: Oh, God, Rakastan sinua niin paljon: I love you so much  
> Norwegian: God morgen: Good morning  
> Icelandic: Góðan daginn: Good morning  
> Swedish: Älskling: Honey, Skit: Crap, Jag älskar dig också: I love you too
> 
> **I apologize for any inaccuracies


	3. Denmark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **just a warning that there are mentions of PTSD, depression and anxiety, and there are panic attacks written into the chapter

New days were always chances for new beginnings, especially when the previous day hadn’t felt productive. The Nordics took advantage of this idea as best they could. With the shared anxiety going around the house, it was hard to act the same as they once did. Nothing seemed familiar, and every interaction felt forced, no matter who it was between really.

With bad days came good ones, and with good days came bad ones. Unfortunately, when there were subsequent good days, there were subsequent bad days. And most of the men seemed to have the latter, especially Mathias. With constant nightmares and lack of sleep, he wasn’t able to get through the days as easy as he wished. But he didn’t like to admit that he was struggling. But nobody liked to admit it whether it was about themself or somebody else. 

Mathias  _ was  _ able to shake off bad days easily, but only with beer. Although nobody liked when he drank, he couldn’t help himself. It seemed to be the only thing that could get him out of his funks. And he had a lot of them.

When he was able to leave Ludwig’s home and had gained his independence again, he was a very changed man. For five years, he only had Lukas and he wasn’t used to that. Sure, there were other points in history where he wasn’t with his family, but this felt so much worse. And then he had to leave Lukas. For days, he felt alone, despite having the rest of his family when he was home.

For those few days, all he did was cry, and he couldn’t sleep. So one night he had a quick beer to calm his nerves, and it worked. But then he kept having beers. And it developed into a reliance he couldn’t seem to shake completely.

The night before this one had been easy. Mathias and Lukas had talked until they’d fallen asleep on the couch. And they woke up entangled in each other, which was new. And for once something new didn’t seem scary. With all of the new changes around the house, the last thing anybody wanted was more change. This, however, was different.

Mathias wasn’t blind, as ditzy as he may act at times. He knew that  _ something  _ was going on between him and Lukas. They’d been in the same house alone for the last five years and built a new kind of trust while together. That wasn’t just nothing, right?

Mathias wished that he could focus on only that and talk to Lukas about it. But he felt as though his voice disappeared every time he thought about bringing it up.  And although that night had been somewhat peaceful, not all of them were like that. In fact, most were horrible, and Mathias couldn’t get a wink of sleep. And of course, he was currently having one of those nights.

He had woken up in yet another cold sweat.  _ Dammit. Not again. _ It was just a dream. He knew that. It would be okay. He stayed laying in his bed, looking up at the ceiling. He should fall back to sleep any minute now, was what he always told himself. He never  _ did  _ actually fall back to sleep. Not without beer anyway. So that’s what he would get.

Throwing his legs over the bed, he looked at the clock in his room.  _ 2:54? What the fuck? _ He groaned softly and stood himself up to make his way out of his room then into the kitchen downstairs. He jogged down the steps and quickly stopped himself from jumping down the last few stairs when he saw a sleeping figure on the couch.

It was Tino again. Mathias sighed.  _ Must be another nightmare. Poor guy. _ Mathias tiptoed past Tino’s sleeping form and went into the kitchen. After grabbing a beer, he strolled back into the living room. There was no way he could leave Tino by himself. He could have another nightmare, he could need someone’s help— _ something _ could happen. He looked over at the empty armchair by the window.

It wasn’t anything new sitting by the window all night. He kind of enjoyed it. He would look out the window and take relaxed sips of his beer. Nothing was ever outside of the window except for the big empty field, but that was okay. It was calm outside. And it also meant that nobody was trespassing either so he didn’t have to worry about intruders.

Mathias took a quick sip from his bottle and set it on the floor besides the leather chair. Tino looked a bit cold. He grabbed a blanket from the chest beside the couch and layered it on top of Tino. “ _ Sov godt _ ,” he whispered. He grabbed the bottle resting besides his chair and sat himself back down. It was dark outside. As usual.

He took a sip from his beer.

~

Mathias had fallen asleep shortly after finishing his drink. The bottle was beside the chair and he was under a blanket, his neck twisted in an awkward position. He’d woken up on his own when his head fell forward. He looked around at the room and quickly was reminded of the previous night.

His head fell back against the chair and he looked out the window until he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Berwald stopped at the foot of the steps. “ _ God morgen _ ,” Mathias said.

Berwald nodded to him. Mathias saw him glance down at the beer bottle beside the armchair. He didn’t ask about it. “When did you come down here?”

Mathias shrugged. “Three-ish.” He glanced over at Tino. “I was gonna go back up after my beer, but then figured I should stay with him.” He looked back over to Berwald. “In case he needed anything.”

Berwald nodded again. “ _ Tack _ .”

“You got it.”

Mathias figured that Berwald would go into the kitchen and start making coffee for the family, but was surprised to hear, “Why were you drinking again?” Berwald was looking at the beer bottle.

Mathias looked out the window, trying to keep his face blank. “Drinking is better than nightmares about war.” He held his head up with his hand. He wished that nobody would bring up his drinking, but he could only have that if he stopped drinking.

He didn’t hear a response from Berwald so when he turned his head. He wasn’t surprised to see Berwald out of the room. He must have gone into the kitchen.

~

Mathias sat up from his bed, knowing that no matter how long he laid there, he wouldn’t be able to settle down. He quietly went into the hallway outside of his room and then made his way to the stairs, where he descended them as usual, after finding the coast clear.  _ God damn nights are so shitty. _ He looked around the living room and walked into the direction of the kitchen when he saw nobody.

He began whistling an old folksong to himself as he strolled across the room, but it quickly halted when he saw the kitchen lights dimly lit and somebody standing at the counter. “ _ God morgen _ ,” he said.

The figure turned quickly, almost falling in the process. It was Emil. “What are you doing awake?”, he asked with worry.

Mathias nodded to the fridge. “Getting beer. What are  _ you _ doing up? And out of your room?”

Emil looked at the mug he had on the counter then looked back over at Mathias. “Just getting a snack.”

“At,” he looked at the clock on the wall, “2:33 in the morning?”

“Says the man getting beer.”

“Fair enough.” He looked around the room. “Wanna talk about anything?”

“No.” Emil put a spoon in the sink and picked up his mug. “Not really.”

“What do you have?”

“Hot chocolate. There’s no caffeine, figured it was better than coffee or tea.”

“Smart.” Mathias grabbed a beer from the fridge. “You get that from Lukas.”

Emil’s cheeks flushed pink and he looked down at his mug. “Whatever.”

Mathias looked down at the bottle in his hand. “I don’t even want this,” he said after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah, and I don’t want you to drink it.”

Mathias’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why? I’m the one drinking it.”

He looked up slowly. “You drink a lot when you’re upset about something. And we’re all upset, but you and Tino are having the hardest times. But Tino is actually somewhat talking to somebody, you’re just drinking.”

Mathias looked up at Emil, taken back. “You really think about that?”

Emil nodded. “What do you think I do in my room all day?” He looked at the beer.

“I’ll put this back then.” Mathias walked back to the refrigerator and opened the door. He slowly put the beer behind the piled up food and shut the door. “There you go.” He turned around. “You should go to sleep.” He paused. “Unless you want to talk about something. Could be anything.”

Emil shook his head. “No, I’m fine.  _ Góða nótt _ .” He hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Mathias nodded to himself and turned back to the fridge.  _ “You’re just drinking.” _ He bunched up his lips and turned away quickly, forcing himself to walk over to the counter. The box of hot chocolate mix was still there. Emil left it out, but maybe him forgetting to clean up after himself would be good for once. Or maybe it wasn’t an accident. Besides, Mathias had to drink  _ something _ , and it would  _ not _ be something as boring as water.

~

Mathias was still in the kitchen, sitting on the counter. He was on his second cup of hot chocolate, and it was just as flavorless and watery as his first cup. But as long as it wasn’t beer, that was okay. He kept looking at the fridge and he didn’t know why. Probably because he wanted the beers inside of it, but knew that his family hated it when he drank so much. Especially so late at night. Or in this case, early in the morning being that it was now 2:58.

When he looked at the fridge again in the last two minutes, he took a sip from his hot chocolate. “Gross.” He hopped off the counter and dumped the rest of the drink in the sink. He had to get out of the kitchen so he shut the light and went into the living room. He’d be safe there.

He sat in the armchair closest to a window where he could see the field next to his house. When it was light outside, he could see its beauty clearly. He wished it was always light, then he wouldn’t have to sleep. But then he remembered the Midnight Sun in other countries and thought that even with the sun out, people still have to sleep. He wished he could sleep.

Curling his legs to his chest, he kept his eyes on the darkness outside of the window. He felt as though the darkness was swallowing him up. And the darkness of the living room wasn't helping, but he didn't want to get up and put on a lamp. Berwald would get mad at him for wasting electricity.

But as long as there was no beer in his hand, he was fine.

He just wished he could believe that.

~

“Mathias?”

He groaned in his sleep at somebody who was shaking his shoulder, and flipped to his other side.

“Mathias, get up.”

“Five more minutes,” he grumbled.

The person shook him harder.

“Ow, stop it.”

“Get up.”

“Ugh, okay, okay. I’m up, I’m up.” He forced his eyes to open and was almost blinded by the light flooding the room. He was barely able to make out Berwald in front of him. “What time is it?”, he asked, sitting up.

“Nine.” Berwald watched as Mathias adjusted himself. “Why are you sleeping down here again?”

“Couldn’t sleep, came down for beer, didn’t drink the beer, so I came in here and looked out the window. You wouldn’t believe how dark it is at two in the morning.”

Berwald rolled his eyes and pushed up his glasses. “The bathroom is open. Go shower, you smell.” He walked into the kitchen without waiting for an answer.

Mathias groaned dramatically as he got to his feet and walked to the foot of the stairs. “Can you make me a cup of coffee?”, he called out. He didn’t wait for an answer, like Berwald, and trudged up the stairs. He hated showering after a bad night.

~

In the middle of his shower, he heard the door swing open. “Who is it?

“You have been in here for almost an hour, get out,” Lukas complained.

“Somebody didn’t get enough sleep.”

“Shut it, Dane.” He shut the door and was gone.

Did he really just say, “Shut it, Dane”? Mathias smiled to himself. He hadn’t heard that in so long.

Whereas most people would be annoyed at getting the cold shoulder from Lukas, Mathias embraced it. It meant there was at least something normal going on in his tense home. He wished that the rest of his family showed their annoyance with him. Berwald did early in the morning, but after coffee he acted strangely nice. And Emil was never out of his room long enough to tell Mathias to be quiet. Tino was too scared to say anything to anyone, and Lukas was strangely nice to everybody after his coffee, like Berwald.

Every time he thought about the changes to his family, he seemed to want beer. And then every time he thought about his family and wanted beer, he wished things were normal again. And when he wished things were normal, he remembered how badly the war had messed up his family. Then he thought about the aftermath of the war, which included Germany being split into two, which was keeping him apart from Gilbert, one of his best friends. And when he thought about the war and aftermath, he usually had nightmares the same night. And when he had nightmares, he went to the refrigerator and drank beer. And when he drank, he would forget everything that was bothering him.

Until the next morning when he would have headaches and have to be watched by Lukas and sometimes Emil. Berwald would be busy with helping Tino, who was usually recovering from a night of nightmares. Mathias just realized that, despite living with his family, he didn’t really see much of them.

He wanted to get out of this horrible reality. And he also wanted to stop drinking, to which he thought that it was possible because alcoholics get sober all the time. But then he would tell himself that he wasn’t an alcoholic, he only had beer when he needed to forget. But he found himself needing to forget often.

He felt trapped. All of the time. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to escape this terrible place he was in, or if it was even achievable. It didn’t feel that way.

But what  _ was _ possible was getting out of the shower and avoiding Lukas getting even angrier at him for being in the bathroom for so long.

Mathias shut off the water after what felt like five minutes to him. It was probably a lot longer being that he got lost in his thoughts again. He hated when that happened. He hated a lot of things lately.

When he stepped out of the shower, he went to lock the door, but it flew open and Lukas was back in the doorway. “Are you done yet? I would like to shower some time today.”

Mathias gulped hard and nodded. Dammit, his thoughts were starting to get to him again. “Yeah.” His voice was smaller than he thought it would be. “Sorry.” He sneaked past Lukas and hurried off into his bedroom. Mathias just focused on putting his clothes on. He was halfway through buttoning his pants when Lukas opened the door. Mathias turned around bashfully. “Hey! A little privacy?”

“Are you okay?”, Lukas asked quickly.

Mathias turned. “I’m half naked.” He reached for his shirt.

“Answer me.”

“I’m fine. And hey, when you’re in the shower, can I finish my hair?”

Lukas crossed his arms and shut the door. “You’re being weird. Did I upset you before?”

Mathias shook his head after his shirt was on. “Nope. Just felt bad for taking so much time in the bathroom.”

Lukas nodded slowly. “Right.” He took a step forward. “You’re sure?”

Mathias smiled. “Yeah, I wouldn’t lie to you,  _ Norge _ .”

Smiling used to come a lot easier to him. Every time he did it nowadays, he felt like he was missing something.

“Yes, you would.” He turned back to the door. “I’ll leave the door unlocked for you.” Lukas left the room and walked into the bathroom with hesitation.

Mathias sighed, but not in relief.  _ I need beer. _ He remembered Berwald down in the kitchen then remembered asking for coffee.  _ Maybe coffee instead. _ He looked at his door and was suddenly aware that his hair was still wet and resting on his forehead uncomfortably.  _ After my hair. _ He controlled his breathing that started picking up speed and composed himself enough to go into the bathroom without raising suspicion from Lukas.

~

Mathias jogged downstairs and into the kitchen. He felt as though after he was clean and his hair was done, he already had his caffeine for the day. It was a good feeling that he had some of his energy back, but it was nowhere near where it used to be. Maybe the coffee would help with that.

When he got into the kitchen, he took a seat across from Berwald. “I feel so much better,” he said. He saw a filled mug in front of him. “Is this mine?”

Berwald nodded and sipped his coffee.

“Thanks, Sve!” He brought the cup to his lips, but quickly flinched and almost dropped it.

Berwald almost looked concerned. “What?”

“Hot.”

Berwald nodded. There was a short pause between the two. Berwald looked up after looking into his cup. “You didn’t drink last night?”

Mathias wasn’t sure if it was a question or statement. He shook his head.

“Why?”

Mathias played with his mug. “I was talkin’ with Ice last night…”, the night came back to him quickly, “he said he didn’t like it when I drank so I…decided not to have any beer.” He wasn’t sure if he should have been embarrassed or not, but the feeling was still there. He looked up. “I didn’t realize that it upset you guys so much. Decided that maybe it was time for a change.” He took a sip from his mug. “And after everything we’ve been though…maybe it’s time for one. But, like, a  _ good _ change.”

Berwald stared at him. Was he being dumb? Was Berwald proud of him? He couldn’t tell by the single nod he received. “You okay? Do you think I’m dumb?”

He was surprised when Berwald shook his head. “Not at all.”

Mathias felt a happy feeling in his stomach. “Good, good.”

His attention was shifted to the door when he heard small footsteps approaching. Tino was there and looked exhausted. He raised a hand slowly and waved. “ _ Hyvää huomenta _ .”

Mathias felt concerned. Tino didn’t look well. “You okay, Fin?”

Tino rubbed his eyes. “Just tired.” That wasn’t convincing.

He began to walk to the coffee pot, but Berwald stopped and sat him down. “Sit. I’ll get your coffee.”

“Thank you.”

Mathias had a feeling what had been bothering Tino. “Nightmare wake you up again?”, he asked.

Tino shook his head. Mathias was happy about that, but the feeling went away when Tino spoke. “No, but…I did have one again.” Mathias bunched his lips together and Berwald put a cup in front of Tino, quickly ending the conversation. “Thank you.”

“Mm.”

Tino sipped his drink then said, “You’re up earlier than usual.”

Mathias shrugged. “I fell asleep down here again and Berwald woke me up.”

“Is that why you’re showered too?”

Mathias nodded. “Yeah. It’s nice getting up early.”

“Well I’m happy you’re up.” Tino turned his head up to Berwald. “It’s strange seeing him ready before you.”

Berwald nodded once. “Mm.”

Then there was silence. Mathias wished he could fill it up like he used to. But he couldn’t think of anything to say. But before the war, even when he didn’t have anything to say, he was able to talk and talk. Mathias eyed the couple across from him and watched as Tino finished his first cup of coffee. He was really fast with getting it down, unlike himself, who still had a somewhat full cup. The only noise that came was Tino getting himself more coffee and then sitting back down. Then the silence resumed.

After a few more minutes, Berwald had seemingly finished the cup of coffee he had in front of him. Mathias expected him to get up and either put the mug in the sink or get himself more coffee. It would probably be the second one. Everybody in the house drank a lot of coffee lately. Well except Emil. He never really liked it.

But instead Berwald took another sip from his mug. Maybe he wasn’t done. Then he met Tino’s eyes by accident and they gave each other awkward smiles before looking over to Berwald. He put his mug down again and then Tino looked into it with confusion. His eyebrows were furrowed, but he remained silent. Was it empty?

When Berwald kept sipping from his mug, Tino looked over to Mathias, who was just as confused. He shrugged, and then Tino said, “Berwald?” When there was no answer, Mathias started to find the situation humorous. Deep down, though, he knew that Berwald was probably thinking about something important. “Berwald?”, Tino said a little louder. He put his hand to his husband’s arm when there was no answer again. He shook him lightly. “Berwald?”

Berwald shook his head, snapped out of his thoughts and looked down at Tino. “Hm?” He put his mug down, ready to help him.

“Your cup has been empty for the last five minutes.”

Berwald blinked and looked down at his mug. “Oh.” Mathias refrained from laughing.

“Do you want more coffee?”

Berwald didn’t answer because Lukas had walked into the room. “ _ God morgen _ .”

Mathias smiled. “Morning, Nor.” He nodded over to the coffee pot. “Berwald made coffee.”

“Thanks.” Lukas went over to the coffee pot and poured himself some. He sat next to Mathias and he felt something in his stomach jump around. In a good way. It was like there were butterflies in there, and he loved the feeling of it. But there was still silence in the kitchen, making the feeling not so special.

Mathias finished his coffee and then played with his mug like before. He twirled it around and watched it spin and bounce back to its original sitting position. Then it fell onto its side with a  _ clang _ . He quickly put it back into its resting position. He straightened in his chair, glancing over to Lukas. “So, did you see Emil this morning?”

Lukas looked up from his mug. “Yeah.” He sucked in a quick breath. “He said he wasn’t hungry as usual and doesn’t want breakfast. And he said that he would come down soon.” He always said that. Mathias was going to say something about how Emil needed to take care of himself and come downstairs to eat, but Lukas didn’t need to be reminded of that.  _ Emil  _ needed that lecture.

Berwald stood after the men had fallen silent again. “I’m going to shower.” He put his mug in the sink and gave Tino a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving the room.

Mathias couldn’t help but ask, “What was with him drinking air before?”

Tino shrugged, smiling. “I think he was thinking.”

Lukas sighed. “He seems to be doing a lot of that lately.”

Tino’s smile dipped slightly. “Yeah…”

Mathias didn’t find the situation as funny anymore.

~

The day was normal. Or the current normal. The men were quiet during the day. Tino and Berwald spent the day together, Emil rarely left his room, Lukas was checking in on everybody every few hours, and Mathias was trying to busy himself around the house. It was the one way he could avoid beer during the day. But instead of going for it at night, he locked himself in his bedroom. He didn’t need beer to get through the night, he would be fine without it.

Mathias found himself able to fall asleep rather easily. It might have been from the fact that he felt exhausted without the alcohol he usually had at this time. Sadly, he was taken out of his sleep soon after he fell into it.

He woke up panicked and threw himself into a sitting position. He took in the surroundings around him. “ _ Dammit _ ,” he cursed quietly. “ _ Dammit _ .” He felt hot tears threatening to spill and sniffed loudly as he tried to hold them back. This nightmare had been terribly vivid, worse than normal “ _ Dammit _ ,  _ dammit _ ,  _ dammit _ .” He stood up and paced his room, trying to calm himself down. He wiped at his eyes when tears started falling and was so caught up in trying to stop them, that he didn’t even hear the movement from outside of his room.

After a few minutes, he was almost snapped out of his overwhelming thoughts by the sound of knocking on the door. “Mathias? Mathias, are you okay? Emil thinks something is wrong.” It was Lukas.

He didn’t answer.

“Mathias?” He looked around and sighed quietly. “I’m coming in.” He opened the door and his blank expression quickly changed to shock. Mathias was hunched over on the floor and sobbing weakly into his hands, cursing under his breath.

Lukas shut the door fast and ran to Mathias’s side, throwing himself to his knees. “Mathias, Mathias, look at me.” He tried to raise Mathias’s head from his hands, but he resisted violently and turned his face away. Lukas’s voice grew weaker as he pleaded with the other. “Please, just look at me. Please, I’m not going to hurt you.”

Mathias sobbed louder as he threw his arms around Lukas, pulling his chest close to his face so he could hide it and his tears. “Please don’t leave me.” His voice was barely audible. “Please,  _ Norge _ .  _ Vær venlig _ .  _ Vær venlig _ .”

Lukas wrapped his arms around Mathias tightly. “Shh, shh, I’m not going anywhere.” He squeezed Mathias closer to him. “It’s okay.  _ Jeg er her for deg _ .” Lukas didn’t move until he felt Mathias’s breathing relax, and he stopped shaking, which took some time. “Let’s go to bed,” he whispered. He stood with Mathias holding onto his forearms. “Come to your bed.” He slowly walked and guided the Dane to the mattress, laying him down carefully. “Do you want me to stay with you?”

Mathias nodded weakly. “ _ Vær venlig _ .”

“Of course. I’ll be right back.” He squeezed Mathias’s hand and hurried to his own bedroom. He came back with Emil. “I’m going to stay here for the night. Do you want to sleep in here or in your bed?”

“With you,” Emil answered quietly.

Lukas laid in the middle of the large bed, pulling his brother on the other side of him. He wrapped an arm around both men on either side of him. Mathias fell asleep quickly, hoping that his nightmares wouldn’t wake him from his sleep again. The last thing he wanted was to go into the kitchen for beer.

~

Mathias had a dreamless sleep. Usually that only happened when he drank, but he didn’t the previous night so it was strange for him to have a completely sober night with no type of dream.

After hearing shuffling around and a small amount of conversation, Mathias woke up. He rubbed his eyes and looked around the room. He saw Lukas standing. “ _ God morgen _ .”

Lukas looked down at him and smiled slightly. It was nice seeing him smile. “ _ God morgen _ . I was about to get in the shower. Do you need anything?”

Mathias sat himself up. “Dunno.”

Lukas nodded smally. “Well if you do, I’ll leave the door open.”

Mathias felt his heart swell. He was really lucky to have Lukas with him. Through the war and after it. He thought he was lucky to have his whole family with him, but Lukas was helping him the most. He was a lot more understanding with him and patient. It was strange, though, because he wished to hear, “Shut it, Dane,” or some sort of similar remark from Lukas more often. But he knew with time they would start getting back into that.

But Mathias also felt a new sort of feeling towards Lukas. He didn’t feel as though they were being completely platonic anymore. And he liked it. But he didn’t want to mention it. If he said something wrong, he could scare Lukas, and the last thing he needed was losing someone he loved again.

He just wished he could voice his thankfulness without sounding cheesy or dumb. Lukas didn’t like cheesy, and neither did he really.

Lukas was walking to the door, but Mathias didn’t want him to leave just yet. He got to his feet quickly and found himself with his arms thrown around Lukas’s waist.

Lukas jumped and stiffened. “Mathias?”

Mathias burrowed his head into the crook of Lukas’s neck. He could barely speak, but managed to say, “ _ Tak skal du have _ .  _ Mange tak _ .” He was happy when Lukas let them stay in their position. He decided to stay in his room for a bit longer when Lukas went to get ready for the day. He needed to collect himself in his room for a bit.

~

Lukas was constantly checking up on Mathias, like what he would do with Emil. Mathias was appreciative of it, but he felt as though he didn’t need it. He did enjoy the attention from Lukas, however, and the little flutter he got in his chest every time he heard Lukas talk. It was a nice change from the constant fear and stress he felt normally.

After his panic attack, Mathias had spent most of the day resting or cleaning around the house. It was good to get his mind off of everything that had happened, although he could never fully get his mind off of his previous thoughts.

The night after, he thought he heard Emil yelling. He wanted to check out what was going on, but when he heard footsteps in the hallway, he knew that Lukas was on top of it. Plus, if Emil needed somebody else, he would have called out to them. And if Lukas needed help with what was going on, he would ask for it. Of course, if Lukas asked Mathias for help, he would jump on the opportunity.

He didn’t hear much noise from the two after, so he guessed that everything was going well. Or somewhat well Nobody was really “well” in the house anymore, no matter what happened. Or even “okay.”

The next morning, Mathias woke up earlier than he wanted to. He tried to close his eyes again, but sleep didn’t come to him no matter how many times he flipped into a more comfortable position. Eventually, he gave up and walked out into the hallway. Then he remembered hearing Emil last night calling for Lukas. It wouldn’t hurt to check up on them, right?

He shuffled over to Emil’s room silently and didn’t see anybody inside of it. He bunched up his lips and walked over to Lukas’s room. He pushed the door open gently and was slightly surprised to see the two brothers sharing a bed. This was the second night in a row where Emil wasn’t in his room. Maybe it was a good thing? He wasn’t sure.

Mathias figured he should let the two sleep some more. He wasn’t sure what time it was, but figured it was early enough in the morning. When he got down in the kitchen, he saw that it was only 6:30 in the morning. Nobody would be up for a few more hours.

At eight, Mathias made coffee for the house. When he drank it, it was disgusting. But he figured it tasted better than beer and he should stick to something that was normally consumed at this time. A little past 8:30, Lukas was coming down into the room. He seemed taken back by the fact that Mathias was at the table alone.

“You’re up early,” he said while going to the coffee pot on the counter. He seemed surprised by the fact there was actually enough coffee for the family. “And you made coffee?” He turned to face Mathias. “Are you feeling okay?”

Mathias felt a smile coming to his lips. He shrugged. “Well I woke up early and instead of having beer, I figured I could make some coffee for you and the others.” He looked down into his mug. “This stuff tastes pretty bad, though. I don’t know if I made it right.”

Lukas began getting himself a cup of his own. “It’s probably too bitter for you. Why did you wake up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep. What are you doing up?”

Lukas shrugged. “Same reason I guess, dunno.”

He wondered if it was because of last night. He should bring it up, but casually. “Emil was with you last night?”

He saw Lukas shift awkwardly. “Yeah. Did you hear him last night?”

Mathias answered slowly. “Kind of. I heard him call you then heard you run in there so I figured I should give you two space. Then I fell asleep and woke up two hours ago, and saw you two in your bed.” He hoped he didn’t look as nervous as he felt. “Was he okay?”

Lukas gulped, the color leaving his face slowly. “I don’t know. He had a panic attack.” He seemed like he was starting to sway almost. He was definitely upset when talking about it. Maybe Mathias had pressed too hard on the situation.

When Lukas had gone completely white, Mathias stood, alarmed. “Hey, why don’t you sit? You look like you’re gonna pass out.” He saw Lukas put his cup down quickly and then take a few steps back. His breathing quickened and he started to fall down when tears were spilling onto his cheeks. 

“Lukas!” Mathias dove behind Lukas to catch him. What was happening? Was  _ Lukas _ having a panic attack? Lukas who had practically remained a stone through everything? Just the thought was scary enough to drive Mathias to tears.

He adjusted himself to hold Lukas without overwhelming him more. He brought themselves to the ground gently so Lukas wouldn’t slip again. Mathias sat behind Lukas with his arms around his abdomen.

Lukas seemed to reach out for something, trying to pull himself away in a frantic manner. When he wasn’t getting away, he cried out in fear.

Mathias felt a lump growing in his throat, but he tried to push it away. Lukas remained calm for him, so he’d force himself to remain calm for him. “Breathe, Lukas! I’m right here!” When Lukas seemed to not process the words, Mathias added, “It’s Mathias!”

Mathias pulled Lukas closer to him.  _ Yelling won’t help, don’t yell at him. _ He tried to calm his voice down, but when Lukas kept feeling around for something, he breathing quickened even more upon feeling nothing but the ground and Mathias’s leg. Then his hand landed on Mathias’s which hadn’t moved from his stomach. He tried to talk, but only wheezing came out.

“Lukas, it’s okay! Just breathe!” He rocked him carefully, trying to calm him down. He felt Lukas scratching at his hands desperately, probably for the panic to go away. He lowered his voice after finally being able to calm himself down. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Lukas, it’s okay.  _ Det er okay _ ,  _ det er okay _ ,  _ jeg er her _ .” He heard Lukas’s rapid breaths calm down slowly and he felt Lukas’s nails disappear from his hands. “That’s it,” he cooed, “good.”

Lukas looked up at him slowly. His eyes were huge and his brows were knitted together. Mathias loosened his grip around Lukas and saw him turn his body.

Mathias sniffed quietly. He swiped a few more of Lukas’s tears away. “Are you okay?”, he asked. He knew it was a stupid question, but he didn’t know what else to say.

Lukas just shook his head and mumbled a defeated, “I don’t know.”

Mathias watched as Lukas scanned the floor below them with his eyes. Mathias assumed he was too embarrassed to make eye contact. Mathias gently pulled Lukas towards him. He was relieved when Lukas didn’t resist the touch.

They sat on the floor together, Lukas listening to the calming rhythm of Mathias’s heartbeat. Mathias was relieved that nobody else was in the kitchen with them so the two could have more privacy. He didn’t want to ever move. He was slightly disappointed when Lukas mumbled something.

Mathias looked down at him. “Hm?”

“Wanna go upstairs,” Lukas repeated a little louder. He pushed away from Mathias’s chest weakly.

Mathias loosened his grip and watched Lukas try to stand himself up. He stumbled over his feet and grabbed at Mathias’s shoulders and arms for support. Mathias brought him back to the floor gently before he could fall. “Do you want me to bring you to your room?”

“Emil is still asleep in there,” he answered quickly. He wrapped his arms around Mathias’s stomach again.

“I’ll bring you to my room.” Mathias moved Lukas in his arms and scooped underneath his legs and behind his back. He slowly rose and Lukas didn’t protest, luckily. They were silent as Mathias walked back to the stairs and towards his room.

At the foot of the stairs, they saw Berwald and Tino coming down them. Tino asked if everything was okay, and Mathias was about to explain their situation when he felt Lukas bury his face into his shirt. So instead of explaining, he said that he was going to bring Lukas to his room to make sure he was okay. Then he quickly went upstairs,

When he was almost there, Emil stepped out of Lukas’s bedroom. Mathias stopped. “What are you doing?”, Emil asked.

“Nothing, just making sure Lukas is okay.”

Emil looked at Lukas and then back up to Mathias. “What happened?”

Mathias shook his head. “Lemme just put him down, okay?”

Emil nodded and Mathias disappeared into his room, placing Lukas on his bed carefully. “Just relax, okay?”, he said softly. “I’ll stay with you for as long as you need.” He sat at the edge and held Lukas’s hand. “Okay?”

Lukas nodded weakly. He turned on his side and gripped Mathias’s hand as tight as he could.

Mathias saw Emil show up in the doorway, but when he caught sight of Lukas, he shut the door gently. Mathias was grateful for the privacy. He knew if the family found out what happened, they’d be asking what happened later.

But they could  _ not _ keep going like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! I hope you enjoyed! If some things seem a bit vague, don't worry, it'll sort out later in the story!
> 
> Translations!! (There are a lot more for this chapter!)  
> Danish: Sov godt: Sweet dreams, God morgen: Good morning, Norge: Norway, Dammit: Dammit, Vær venlig: Please, Tak skal du have. Mange tak.: Thank you. Thank you so much., Det er okay, det er okay, jeg er her.: It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here.  
> Swedish: Tack: Thank you  
> Icelandic: Góða nótt: Good night  
> Finnish: Hyvää huomenta: Good morning  
> Norwegian: ., God morgen: Good morning, Jeg er her for deg.: I’m here for you
> 
> **I apologize for any inaccuracies


	4. Norway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **just a warning that there are mentions of PTSD, depression and anxiety, and there are panic attacks written into this chapter

Lukas liked to start his day with a shower. It gave him a few minutes to himself and he usually woke up a little from it. And afterwards, he would be able to have coffee and relax for the rest of the day. Or, his idea of relaxing: making sure Emil was awake, making sure the house was somewhat in order, and then cleaning where he could.

This morning, he was not happy. He didn’t get as much sleep as he wanted so he was excited for his shower to put him in a better mood. But of course somebody was in there already. Just his luck for not waking up sooner. He went back to his room to wait for whoever was in there to finish up. He couldn’t be in there for too much longer.

Well, he felt that way until he realized that Mathias, of all people, was in the bathroom.

After trying to pass the time with a book, Lukas became impatient. He stood, annoyed, and swung the bathroom door open.

”Who is it?”, Mathias asked dumbly.

“You have been in here for almost an hour, get out,” he said coldly.

“Somebody didn’t get enough sleep,” Mathias teased.

“Shut it, Dane.” He shut the door and walked back to his room.

Wow. He couldn’t remember the last time he said  "Shut it, Dane" to Mathias. In a way it was refreshing, but he felt bad. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so rude. Lukas shrugged it off, Mathias had thick skin. Plus, this was how they normally spoke to each other. Well…used to at least. Things were different lately.

Another thirty minutes had passed by slowly and Mathias was  _ still _ in the bathroom. Lukas growled at the clock and went back to the bathroom. He opened the door and was met with Mathias in a towel. “Are you done yet? I would like to shower some time today.”

Mathias gulped and nodded. “Yeah,” he said smally. “Sorry.” He passed Lukas and hurried to his room. Lukas watched him leave, even more curious as to if he had been too harsh. He hadn’t really acted like that in awhile so Mathias probably wasn’t as used to the attitude.

He wanted to see if Mathias was okay. He walked to the other’s room, forgetting about his shower, and opened the door quickly. Mathias was in the middle of buttoning his pants and turned around hurriedly. “Hey! A little privacy?”

Maybe he should have knocked. “Are you okay?”

Mathias turned back around. “I’m half naked.”

“Answer me.”

Mathias was reaching for his shirt. “I’m fine. And hey, when you’re in the shower, can I finish my hair?”

Lukas tried not to roll his eyes. He stepped inside of the room more and closed the door before crossing his arms. “You’re being weird. Did I upset you before?”

Mathias slipped his shirt on. “Nope. just felt bad for taking so much time in the bathroom.”

Lukas nodded slowly. “Right.” He took a step forward. “You’re sure?”

Mathias smiled. “Yeah, I wouldn’t lie to you,  _ Norge _ .”

_ Yes, you would. _ That smile was off. He hated it. ”Yes, you would.” He opened the door and started leaving the room. “I’ll leave the door unlocked for you.”

~

Mathias was in and out. Lukas figured he was too nervous to take any more time in there. They exchanged a few words and once Mathias was gone, Lukas was pretty much finished with his shower. After, he finished getting ready quickly.

Once done, he checked on Emil. “Hey, you awake?”, he asked as he opened the door.

Emil was sitting up with a book in his lap. He looked up and nodded. “Yeah.”

“I’m gonna go downstairs for coffee, do you want anything?”

Emil shook his head, glancing back down at his book.

“You’re not hungry at all?”

“Nope.”

Lukas nodded. “If you need anything, just know I’ll be downstairs.”

Emil nodded, refocusing his attention on his book. “I’ll be there in a minute.” He always said that.  _ No, you won’t. _

Lukas turned and started going down to the kitchen. He heard small talk, and when he appeared in the room, he gave a, “ _ God morgen _ ,” to those sitting at the table.

Mathias smiled. It was  _ still  _ off. “Morning, Nor.” He motioned to the coffee pot. “Berwald made coffee.”

“Thanks.” He went straight to it and got himself some. He was happy to sit next to Mathias after.

Mathias finished his coffee quickly after Lukas sat down and began to fidget with his mug. Lukas wanted to be annoyed, but it was almost cute to watch. Of course, it would have been better if he was talking like he normally did. That way the room wouldn’t be so quiet. When the cup landed on its side, Lukas jumped slightly, quickly getting out of his head. Mathias quickly sat the cup back up. He glanced over to Lukas. “So, did you see Emil this morning?” Finally, something to talk about.

“Yeah. He said he wasn’t hungry as usual and doesn’t want breakfast. And he said that he would come down soon.” He knew that the men didn’t believe that, but every time it was said there was a tiny speck of hope shared between them.

Berwald stood. “I’m going to shower.” He put his mug in the sink quickly and kissed Tino’s cheek, then was gone.

Mathias looked like he was holding in a laugh. “What was with him drinking air before?”  _ Of course he says soemthinig dumb. _ Lukas looked at Tino, slightly confused.

Tino just shrugged. He was smiling. “I think he was thinking.”

Lukas couldn’t help but sigh. “He seems to be doing a lot of that lately.”

Tino’s smile dipped slightly. “Yeah…”

_ Probably shouldn't have said that. _

~

Mathias had been off all day. He was usually off, but today he seemed worse than usual. Lukas couldn’t help but think it was partly his fault. Since the end of the war, he had tried his best to lighten up on his family members. He knew that he was hard on Mathias before, but now was his chance to change that and show some more compassion around the house. Plus, he’d felt so guilty for talking to Mathias the way he did when it was time for Mathias to leave Ludwig’s house.

After checking in on Emil so often, Lukas found himself constantly trying to look after the others around the house. They all appreciated it, but everybody seemed to realize that with all of the looking after others, Lukas neglected to look after himself. At first it didn’t seem like it was a big deal, but they soon worried for his health when he was downing numerous cups of coffee in one day, and sleeping more a little more.

Whenever confronted, Lukas would shift the conversation to another person. He didn’t want to talk about himself. Especially when that risked more nightmares. It was a nightmare so why in God’s name would Lukas want to ever talk about what happened? Plus, he didn’t need to! He was fine!

Lukas walked into his room, relieved he could finally sleep. Mathias had been running around the house trying to clean, and would barely speak when Lukas had asked if he was okay. He would only get, “Perfectly fine!”, as an answer, but it sure didn’t seem that way.

He shook it off. Tomorrow would be a new day. It was time to go to sleep.

Shortly after Lukas had gotten himself to sleep, he heard a hushed whisper calling his name. “Lukas? Lukas, are you awake?”

Lukas groaned, turning to face Emil. “ _ Hva vil du _ ?”

Emil seemed nervous, but then again that seemed to be the newest change in his brother since everything. He walked into the room shyly. “There’s a noise coming from Mathias’s room.”

Lukas sat up, squinting over to his brother. “Did you check on him?”

Emil shook his head. “No, I got scared,” he said quietly.

Lukas noticed shame beginning to overtake Emil and quickly changed his demeanor. “It’s okay, come here.” He stood and took his brother to his bed. “Just sit here and I’ll go check on him.” Lukas left his room. He took a deep breath before walking over to the Mathias’s room, where he could hear mumbling coming from.  _ I knew something was wrong. _

Before he could begin to make assumptions, Lukas knocked on the door gently. “Mathias? Mathias, are you okay? Emil thinks something is wrong.”

There was no answer.

That was concerning. Mathias always answered, even with his new quietness. “Mathias?” He looked around and sighed quietly, trying to calm himself. “I’m coming in.” He opened the door and his expression quickly changed to shock. The look of Mathias hunched over and taken over by sobs was enough to stop anyone’s heart. Mathias was never like this.

Lukas forced himself to keep from freezing and shut the door fast, throwing himself on his knees besides Mathias. He kept his voice as even as he could. “Mathias, Mathias, look at me.” He put his hands to Mathias’s. He pulled away when Mathias resisted the touch and faced away.

His voice was weaker as he pleaded with Mathias. “Please, just look at me. Please, I’m not going to hurt you.” He could  _ not _ let himself break down right now. Not when Mathias needed him.

He found it hard to keep his composure as Mathias threw his arms around him and cried into him. “Please don’t leave me.” His voice was almost silent. “Please,  _ Norge _ .  _ Vær venlig _ .  _ Vær venlig _ .”

Lukas gulped hard and squeezed Mathias. “Shh, shh, I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay  _ Jeg er her for deg _ .” He waited patiently for Mathias to calm his cries. Lukas would let him get everything out of his system. He knew about Mathias’s nightmares, his hard time talking with everybody, his dependency on alcohol, and everything else he was battling. He knew that what Mathias needed was for somebody to listen to him and let him cry as much as he needed.

When Mathias’s shoulders stopped shaking as much, Lukas whispered to him, “Let’s go to bed.” He let Mathias hold onto him as he raised them to their feet. “Come to your bed.” He slowly guided Mathias to the bed and laid him down. “Do you want me to stay with you?”

Mathias nodded. “ _ Vær venlig _ .”

“Of course.” He remembered Emil in his bedroom. “I’ll be right back.” He squeezed Mathias’s hand and hurried to his own bedroom, where his brother was still sitting patiently. “Come here.” Lukas was surprised when Emil followed without questioning anything. “I’m going to stay here for the night. Do you want to sleep in here or in your bed?”

“With you,” Emil answered quietly.

Lukas laid in the middle of the large bed, pulling his brother on the other side of him. He wrapped an arm around both men, holding them tightly. Mathias fell asleep quickly, and Emil was silent. Lukas stared at the ceiling, hoping the two would sleep peacefully. They needed it.

~

The morning came quickly. Lukas had woken up first and then Emil was up. They shared a few words then the latter quickly went to his bedroom.

Mathias rubbed the sleep from his eyes shortly after Emil was gone. ” _ God morgen _ .”

Lukas smiled slightly. “ _ God morgen _ . I was about to get in the shower. Do you need anything?”

Mathias sat up. “Dunno.”

Lukas nodded. “Well if you do, I’ll leave the door open.” He started walking to the door, but was stopped by the feeling of strong arms wrapping around his waist. “Mathias?”

Mathias’s head burrowed into the crook of Lukas’s neck. “ _ Tak skal du have _ ,” he said. “ _ Mange tak _ .”

Lukas smiled to himself. It felt good to help somebody. Especially Mathias, who really needed it. All he wanted was to help his family. They needed it. They really did. And he was happy to help.

~

Lukas had showered quickly, as he usually did. When he was dressed, he started to brush his hair while blankly staring at himself in the mirror. He was trying to map out his day in his head. It wouldn't be anything complicated, but he just liked having his day planned out. And it gave him something to think about.

First, he would go have coffee downstairs, then he would maybe eat. (Depending on if breakfast was made. If it wasn’t, he would help make it.) Then after, if Emil hadn’t come out of his room yet, he would check on him to make sure he was showered. If he wasn’t, he’d have to convince him to do so. And then he would sit with him in the kitchen and try to get him to eat. (They were still working on getting him comfortable with leaving his room.)

Then after, he’d have to check up on Mathias, and make sure he didn’t go for beer to handle his emotions. It wouldn't be easy, but Lukas liked to consider himself good with persuasion. Then he would make sure that Mathias’s room was cleaned and help him clean if it wasn’t. And after cleaning Mathias’s room, he would see if Emil wanted to clean anything around the house to distract himself and pass time. Then he would clean his own bedroom. (Lord knew that needed to be straightened out.)

Hopefully he would have time to read a book after all the cleaning, and maybe he would eat lunch. And if lunch wasn’t ready, he would help make it if needed. And then he’d get a tightening in his chest and wouldn't be able to breathe as easily. And he would start to hyperventilate and– _ Dammit, not again. _

The brush in his hand fell onto the floor with a loud  _ bang! _ and Lukas struggled to regain control of his breathing. It seemed that every time he tried to map out his day, he would get this feeling. And every time he would…well, think about the war and think about trying to help everybody around the house, he would get this feeling. He would lose control of his breathing and his eyes would water. Sometimes he would cry, but not always.

He just wanted to help everyone and make sure everybody was getting better. Was that so much to ask? The last thing he needed was this panic rising in him every time it crossed his mind that he might not be able to get everything done. He didn’t have time for these dumb attacks, he had to focus on his family, who could also be panicking.

Sure, Lukas had his share of panic, but he didn’t think it was nearly as bad as the others. This was not Lukas’s first panic attack so he knew how to stop it quickly, and how to hide it from his family. He didn’t want to worry them. All he had to do was push away the feelings because the others deserved all of the attention they could get. If his panic was so concerning, he would be asked about it. (Of course the only way the men could ask him about it is if they knew about the panic attacks. But again, that was not important.)

When the feeling finally went away, Lukas found himself sitting on the ground leaning against a wall. He was exhausted, but that wouldn’t stop his day from happening. He had to get things done. So he stood, finished brushing and styling his hair, then left the bathroom.

~

After cleaning the bathroom, Lukas went straight into the kitchen. He needed coffee more than he thought he did because he stumbled down a few stairs and tripped over his feet here and there. Tino and Berwald were at the table already, enjoying the quiet. They sat next to each other, their hands resting in each other’s on the table.

“Good morning,” Tino said with a smile.

“Morning,” Lukas answered, going to the coffee pot.

“How did you and the boys sleep? Was everything okay last night?”

Lukas poured his coffee into a mug then turned to face the couple. “Mathias had a bit of a…moment, I guess. He’s okay. Emil just wanted to be with us in the room so we shared Mathias’s bed.” He sat across from the two. “How are you two?”

“Good.” Tino looked happy.

Lukas was happy to see Tino’s big smile. Even if it wasn’t as big as it was, it was getting there. And it was bigger than it’d been the day before. “How did you two sleep?”

“Really well, we had a peaceful night.” He frowned suddenly. “I wish that I knew Mathias was having problems, though. I would have helped.”

Lukas shook his head. “Don’t do that. You two deserve a peaceful night for a change.” He sipped his coffee and couldn’t help but think,  _ Hopefully tonight is peaceful too. And the day in general… _

~

The day went as smoothly as smooth could go in the Nordic home. Berwald and Tino were by themselves as usual, Emil was in his room, and Mathias was busy around the house. Lukas had done most of the things he wanted to: he checked up on Emil a few times, luckily got him to shower and eat, and helped Mathias clean his room. He’d have to put off cleaning his own room for another day or two, but it was to be expected.

It was almost time to go to bed so might as well pass the time by reading something. And he was working on getting through  _ Frankenstein _ again. Lukas checked the clock before getting into bed. It wasn’t too late, it was only ten o’clock so he would read for about an hour then attempt to sleep.

When he had settled in his bed, he thought he heard someone calling his name. Without hesitation, he stood and tossed his book to the side.  _ Something _ was wrong. When he got to the door, he heard his name clearer.

“Lukas!”

It sounded like Emil. Lukas’s stomach dropped and he ran out of his room, sprinting to his brother’s. He knocked quickly. “Emil?”

There was sob from inside the room and Lukas threw the door open. “Emil?”

Emil was on the floor, with his knees to his chest. His breathing was a mess and his face was whiter than normal. “Emil, what is it?”

Emil reached a hand out to his brother. “I can’t…I can’t breathe…!”

Lukas got his knees and made sure there was about a foot of distance between the two of them “Yes, you can.”

“I-I can’t!” He wheezed as he tried to keep talking. “I can’t!”

Lukas carefully put a hand on his brother. He had to work fast. “Yes, you can. You’re panicking.”

“I’m scared,” he whimpered. “I don’t know why!”

“Look at me.”

Emil shook his head, whimpering again.

“Look at me!”

Emil gasped as he met Lukas’s eyes.

He lowered his voice. “Copy my breathing.”

“What?”

“Watch me and copy what you see.”

Emil’s eyes scanned his brother’s face and he tried his best to copy his breathing. Lukas straightened in his spot and moved his hand to hold Emil’s. He was just relieved that there was no resistance from the touch. He breathed as regularly as he could as to not scare Emil or mess him up.

His breathing was rough for a few minutes. The idea of him not getting better and relaxing popped into Lukas’s head, and it scared him. But he pushed it away as best he could. Eventually, though, Emil exhaled heavily and his head fell back and hit the wall behind him. “Do you feel better?”, Lukas asked.

Emil peered up at him. “No,” he said quietly.

“What happened?” He squeezed Emil’s hand. “Tell me.”

He looked at the floor. “I don’t know.”

Lukas wished Emil would just talk to him, but knew better to be hard on him when he got like this. “Did you get scared?”

Emil’s eyes began to water and he faced the ceiling. Lukas shifted closer to his brother. “It’s okay,” he reassured. “You’re okay now.”

Emil sniffed loudly and pulled his hand from Lukas’s.

“Do you want to be alone?”

“No.” He sniffed again

Lukas could feel his own eyes watering, but knew he had to be strong. “What do you need?”, he asked carefully as to not set off his tears. “I can stay here with you. Or you can sleep in my room.”

Emil lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Lukas’s abdomen tightly, trying to hide his face. “Can you make it stop?”, he asked weakly.

Lukas slowly pulled Emil closer to him. “Make what stop?”, he whispered.

“The fear.” His cries were muffled by Lukas’s shirt. “It won’t go away.”

Lukas felt a few tears fall down his cheeks. “Shh,” he cooed, “just relax.” He dragged his hand up and down Emil’s back, and tried to stop his shaking shoulders. “I know, I know.”

Lukas knew that whenever there was some sort of peacefulness in the house, the universe would balance it out with some sort of opposite feeling. He wished that it would just stop. He wanted to take away all of the sadness plaguing the house. He hoped to think somebody was watching down on his family with a plan for them that would lead them to their old way of life. But with each day, he was finding it harder to believe in anyone.

~

The next morning, Lukas woke up in his bed with Emil lying peacefully beside him. He smiled to himself and decided to let him sleep. He tiptoed out of the room and descended the stairs to get to the kitchen. Lukas was surprised to see Mathias sitting at the table with a mug in front of him. Berwald and Tino weren’t even down there.

“You’re up early,” he said, going to the coffee pot. “And you made coffee?” He turned to face the other. “Are you feeling okay?”

Mathias shrugged. “Well I woke up early and instead of having beer, I figured I could make some coffee for you and the others.” He looked down into his mug. “This stuff tastes pretty bad, though. I don’t know if I made it right.”

Lukas grabbed a mug and poured himself a cup. “It’s probably too bitter for you. Why did you wake up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep. What are you doing up?”

Lukas shrugged. “Same reason I guess, dunno.”

“Emil was with you last night?”

Lukas bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah. Did you hear him last night?”

“Kind of. I heard him call you then heard you run in there so I figured I should give you two space. Then I fell asleep and woke up two hours ago, and saw you two in your bed.” He looked nervous. “Was he okay?”

Lukas gulped. “I don’t know. He had a panic attack.” He could feel his heartbeat quicken, as it did last night when he saw his brother panicking.

Mathias stood, seeming to be alarmed. “Hey, why don’t you sit? You look like you’re gonna pass out.”

Lukas put his mug on the table quickly and could feel that familiar feeling of his chest tightening. He took a few steps back and saw the world blur around him into a mess of colors. He blinked a few times and tried to calm his breathing. Suddenly, he was on the ground hyperventilating. He didn’t understand why this was happening  _ now _ . He wasn’t even thinking about his day or the war, he was just thinking about Emil.

And of all time for him to cry with this feeling, it was  _ now  _ of course. He didn’t have time to act like this, he needed to have his coffee and go back upstairs to check on Emil.

“Lukas!”

Suddenly they were on the ground. He had no idea how he got there, but he was. And he was being told to breathe.

He wheezed as he tried to talk. This feeling wasn’t going away as quickly as it normally did, which caused his panic to worsen.

“Lukas, it’s okay! Just breathe!” He could barely hear it.

He didn’t know what was happening, it was all too fast. He only knew that he was talking about Emil then was suddenly on the ground in Mathias’s arms, being told to calm down. His vision was still blurry and he was clawing at Mathias’s hands. It was all he could do.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Lukas, it’s okay.  _ Det er okay _ ,  _ det er okay _ ,  _ jeg er her _ .” Lukas felt himself being rocked slightly and the tightness began to loosen. He heard, “That’s it, good,” when he was able to get a hold of his breath and calm it down.

Lukas looked up at Mathias, terrified. When he noticed Mathias’s tears, he noticed his own. The grip around his stomach loosened and Lukas spun around to face the other properly. He didn’t ask any of the millions of questions racing through his mind.

Mathias sniffed softly and wiped at Lukas’s cheek gently. “Are you okay?”

Lukas was defeated. All he could do was shake his head. “I don’t know.” He scanned the floor anxiously. He had no clue what he was looking for. When he felt Mathias pulling him into his chest, he let it happen.

Lukas’s ear was against Mathias’s heart and he listened to the rhythm of it. It was faster than he thought it’d be. He felt comfortable with Mathias holding him tightly. But he was in the middle of the kitchen on the floor. Berwald and Tino would be downstairs soon.

“I wanna go upstairs,” he mumbled.

“Hm?”, he heard Mathias ask.

“Wanna go upstairs,” Lukas repeated. He tried to push away from Mathias to start standing himself up. He stumbled and felt himself grab at Mathias’s shoulders for balance. But Mathias brought him back to the ground gently, which was probably for the best because Lukas felt as though holding onto Mathias wouldn’t be enough to keep him up.

“Do you want me to bring you to your room?”, Mathias asked.

“Emil is still asleep in there,” he said. He wrapped his arms around Mathias’s stomach again.

Mathias began moving Lukas in his arms gently after saying, “I’ll bring you to my room.” He felt Mathias reach behind his back and under his legs. Soon enough they were on the way to Mathias’s room.

They stopped at the foot of the stairs. He could hear Tino’s voice asking if everything was alright, and Mathias saying how he just wanted to make sure everything was okay. Lukas didn’t see anything, his face was buried into Mathias, mostly out of embarrassment.

They started going back to Mathias’s room again, but were stopped again. “What are you doing?” Great, it was Emil.

Mathias answered calmly. “Nothing, just making sure Lukas is okay.”

There was a pause. “What happened

“Lemme just put him down, okay?”

Mathias quickly went into his room and Lukas was on his bed, looking up at him. Mathias’s voice was quieter. “Just relax, okay? I’ll stay with you for as long as you need.” He sat on the edge of the bed, and took Lukas’s hand. “Okay?”

Lukas barely had the energy to turn on his side, but he did and gripped Mathias’s hand weakly. When the door opened, he barely flinched and Mathias was looking up. Soon, it closed quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I really appreciate it! If anything seems vague, it will be solved in later chapters, don't worry!
> 
> Translations!!  
> Danish: Norge: Norway, Vær venlig: Please, God morgen: Good morning, Tak skal du have. Mange tak.: Thank you. Thank you so much., Det er okay, det er okay, jeg er her.: It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here.  
> Norwegian: God morgen: Good morning, Hva vil du?: What do you want?, Jeg er her for deg.: I’m here for you.
> 
> **I apologize for any inaccuracies


	5. Iceland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **just a warning that there are mentions of PTSD, depression and anxiety, and there are panic attacks written into this chpater

He never wanted to leave his room again. After being left alone, all he could do was worry and lose sleep. He was finally able to relax and he didn’t need to leave his room to do so. His  _ peaceful _ room. It terrified him to think about stepping outside of it. The mere  _ thought  _ of having to leave it made his skin crawl.

He hadn’t eaten breakfast this morning and would be lucky if he even got in the shower. He was usually the last to get ready out of everybody in the house, and it was only because Lukas would check on him. He would pretty much make him get ready so he was doing  _ something _ outside of his room. The entirety of Emil's time in the bathroom, though, would be spent checking the cabinets and behind the shower curtain before getting in and then asking Lukas to double check. And even when Lukas said that he didn’t see anything, Emil was still too nervous to get into the shower. But he would force himself anyway. And when he couldn’t, he would wash his hair in the sink and call it a day. It was something, wasn’t it?

This day had been similar to most ones. He was in his room, and didn’t come out, not even for dinner. He didn’t have the appetite, and Lukas had asked if he wanted anything brought up to him, be he said no. When he got hungry later he would go downstairs on his own, get a snack, then run back to his room.

And that time rolled around quicker than he thought it would. Soon, the men were saying goodnight to him and Lukas double checked to see if he needed anything. Then they went into their own rooms.

Emil passed some time by reading. He usually read most of the day. He didn’t have much else to do. Every few weeks, his room would become messy from the excess of novels so he’d take a day or two to make piles and organize himself.

When his stomach growling interrupted the current book he was in the middle of, he looked down at himself. “ _Skítt_ ,” he cursed. He tried to ignore it and continue with  _ Wuthering Heights _ , but the growling kept coming. He shut the book, annoyed, and put it down as he stood from his bed. He looked around the room and knew that he would have to leave it at some point to stop his stomach from making noise.

He took a few steps closer to the door, but stepped back again. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to. Why should anybody subject themself to being uncomfortable? He checked the clock. Maybe he could wait a few hours. _1:50._ _No fucking way._ He sighed quietly and walked closer to the door again. _It’s fine, you’ll be fine._ He opened the door, but quickly shut it. _On second thought, I can go without food._ His stomach growled loudly again. _Guess not._

He took in a deep breath and put his hand on the doorknob again. All he had to do was turn it and walk out. He could do that, that’s easy. The others in the house opened doors and walked out of rooms all the time. Why couldn’t he? He could do that.

Emil forced his wrist to turn the doorknob and pull the door open.  _ Okay, now all I have to do is walk out. _ He gulped hard. This next step would be a little tougher. It always was. He poked his head out of his room and looked down the hallway. He could only see darkness, but he squinted through it. He couldn’t see anything in it, which was slightly reassuring. Then again, it  _ was _ dark so something could have been hiding. He turned his head and saw the same thing: darkness. But there was nobody around. Then he turned back the other way and scanned the area again, and repeated this for the other side.

All he had to do was run into the kitchen, get something small and then go back to his room to eat it. He would like something that didn’t need a plate so he didn’t have to go back downstairs. He hated leaving his room when he didn’t have to. So leaving his room to put a plate in the sink was not an option. That explained all of the cups scattered around his room. He never brought them back downstairs when finished with them and then always forgot to bring them with him until he was halfway down the stairs or already in the kitchen, or even back in his bedroom.

All he had to do was run into the kitchen, get something small and then go back to his room to eat it. All he had to do was run into the kitchen, get something small and then go back to his room to eat it. All he had to do was run into the kitchen, get something small and then go back to his room to eat it. That was it.

He took a small step out of his room.

_ To the kitchen. _

He looked both ways down the hallway again.

_ Get something small. _

He walked to the stairs.

_ Run upstairs and eat it. _

He descended them and ran into the kitchen.

Quickly, he scoured for something he could eat quickly and dispose of in the garbage can in his room. He didn’t see anything, but the box of hot chocolate mix caught his eye. He knew it wasn’t food, but it was  _ something _ . And he really wanted it. Or he could have tea instead. But that had caffeine. He couldn’t afford to have caffeine if he was planning on sleeping sometime tonight.

He quickly began making the hot chocolate, careful as to not make a mess all over the counter because Lukas would scold him for it. Or Mathias, he seemed to care about keeping things neater lately.

While mixing the powder into the hot water, he heard, “ _ God morgen _ .”

Emil jumped and turned around quickly, almost losing his footing under himself. If his heart wasn’t beating fast enough before, now it was. “What are you doing awake?” He didn’t mean to sound so worried when asking it. He had a feeling he knew what Mathias was doing down in the kitchen.

Mathias looked at the refrigerator. “Getting beer. What are  _ you _ doing up? And out of your room?”

Emil gulped, looking down at his mug. He seemed to have lost his voice. He looked back up at Mathias after repeating what he was going to say in his head. “Just getting a snack.”

“At,” he looked at the clock on the wall, “2:33 in the morning?”

“Says the man getting beer.”

“Fair enough.” He looked around the room. “Wanna talk about anything?”

_ Yes. _ “No.” Emil put the spoon in the sink and picked up his mug. “Not really.”

“What do you have?”

“Hot chocolate. There’s no caffeine, figured it was better than coffee or tea.” He didn’t know why he explained himself.

Mathias moved closer to the fridge. “Smart.” He grabbed a beer from it. “You get that from Lukas.”

Emil felt his cheeks heat up and he hid his face by looking down at his mug. “Whatever.” He certainly did not believe Mathias, but didn’t feel like fighting him on it. Especially so early in the morning.

He kept his eyes on his drink when Mathias suddenly said, “I don’t even want this.”

“Yeah, and I don’t want you to drink it.” He didn’t mean to say that.

He didn’t see Mathias’s eyebrows furrow. “Why? I’m the one drinking it.”

Great, now he had to explain himself. He just wanted to go back upstairs. He looked up slowly. “You drink a lot when you’re upset about something. And we’re all upset, but you and Tino are having the hardest times. But Tino is actually somewhat talking to somebody, you’re just drinking.” Was that last part too harsh?

Mathias looked up at Emil. He looked surprised. “You really think about that?”

Emil nodded, not sure if he should have felt bad about saying what he did. Mathias  _ did _ ask. “What do you think I do in my room all day?” He looked at the beer.  _ Why are you still talking? _

“I’ll put this back then.” Mathias walked back to the refrigerator and put the beer down. “There you go.” He turned around. “You should go to sleep.” He paused. “Unless you want to talk about something. Could be anything.”

_ Did he really just do that? _ Emil shook his head. “No, I’m fine.  _ Góða nótt _ .” He hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs, some of the hot chocolate splashing onto his hands and the floor from the sudden speed.

Emil thought to himself that, although he hated the idea of being outside of his bedroom, maybe leaving it from time to time could help those who needed it, like Mathias. If only he wasn’t hoping that he didn’t have a panic attack from being outside of his room for longer than he wanted to be.

When he shut the door behind himself, he saw all of the cups around his room and groaned when he realized he had just brought another one into his room. Then he realized that he left the hot chocolate mix out on the counter. He wouldn’t be surprised if Mathias got mad at him for it later.

~

The next night was somehow harder for Emil. He never thought about how hard it was to leave a room. Before, he thought it was just annoying to have to leave it and spend time outside of the comfortable space. But now…it was just scary. There was nothing more to it.

When the house was quiet, Emil found himself able to relax better. But tonight was not quiet. The others had just said goodnight to him not too long before, and they’d gone off into their own rooms for the night. He didn’t think anybody would still be awake. But when he could hear mumbling from Mathias’s room next to him, he wondered if he was okay. But there was no way he was going to be able to go into Mathias’s room on his own with the threat of danger.

Emil went to the wall and pressed his ear against it. He heard footsteps, but they weren’t getting close to him. It was more of a shuffling around the room. He figured Mathias would be okay.

But then there was cursing. Emil quickly made his way to his door and opened it without thinking.  _ That was stupid. _ He checked up and down the hallway several times, making sure there was absolutely nothing in the darkness. Then he ran to the bedroom past Mathias’s: Lukas’s.

He hesitated to knock so he didn’t. He just opened the door, knowing it wasn’t locked, and whispered for his brother. “Lukas? Lukas, are you awake?”

He heard groaning in response. “ _ Hva vil du _ ?”

Emil could barely make out his brother’s face in the darkness. He walked into the room shyly.  _ You’re overreacting, as usual. _ “There’s a noise coming from Mathias’s room.”

He heard shifting and then Lukas was sitting up. “Did you check on him?”

_ No, because I’m a baby. _ He shook his head. “No, I got scared.”  _ Idiot. _

He was surprised by Lukas’s reaction. He stood up after saying, “It’s okay, come here.” He walked over and gently took Emil over to his bed. “Just sit here and I’ll go check on him.”

Emil sat on the bed with his legs crossed. He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t been able to go check on Mathias himself. He was right next door, it isn’t that hard to knock on a door and ask if somebody is okay. No, he had to run to his brother and ask for help like a child.  _ “No, I got scared.” _ He was a nation that had just gone through war. Why is it that he couldn’t go to check out a small noise coming from the room next to him?

Emil pulled his knees to his chest in shame. _ Idiot, idiot, idiot. _ His mind wouldn’t turn off no matter how hard he tried to think about or focus on something else. His thoughts swallowed him.

_ You’re such a damn coward, Lukas is probably so annoyed with you. Why would you bother him with this? He was trying to sleep and you woke him up like you were a child who had a nightmare. _

When Emil felt his eyes water, he desperately tried to toughen himself up, but it didn't work. He was drowning. He felt water drip down his face and wiped the tears away as quickly as they came. “ _Skítt_ ,” he sighed.

Suddenly, Lukas was back in the room. He held out his hand in the doorway. “Come here.” Emil quickly stood and didn’t say anything as he followed his brother into Mathias’s room. “I’m going to stay here for the night. Do you want to sleep in here or in your bed?”

“With you,” he answered quietly. _ Coward. _

He was pulled into the bed. Mathias held onto Lukas and Lukas soon wrapped his arms around both men. Mathias fell asleep quickly, while Emil was silently staring at the wall next to him. His bottom lip quivered and he turned to his other side and hid his face into Lukas’s shirt. Lukas fell asleep before him.

~

The morning came quickly, and Emil was still exhausted. He had not gotten enough sleep as usual. He hadn’t told anybody, though, as usual.

When he felt stirring coming from the side of him, his eyes fluttered open and he saw Lukas sitting up. “ _ God morgen _ ,” he said.

Emil stood and smiled nervously at his brother.

“How do you feel?”

Emil shrugged. “Fine.” He looked at the door. “I think I’m going to go back to my room.”

“You’re sure you’re feeling better?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.” He quickly went for the door then down the hallway into his room, shutting the door hurriedly. His head fell against the wood and he sighed heavily. He needed to go back to sleep. Lukas would be back to check on him in a bit anyway. He climbed into his bed and held onto the covers over him, sliding them over his head to hide himself.

~

He didn’t know what started it. All he knew was that the day was quiet and that Mathias was taking it easy with Lukas. So Emil had more time to himself and he didn’t have to worry about Lukas coming into his room as often, which was like a breath of fresh air because he was able to get through more books and not worry so much about interacting. It was like he had a break.

All he was doing was putting a few books away to clear some space around his bedroom. Then his copy of  _ The Hunchback of Notre-Dame _ fell out of his hand. It was loud as hell and, although he knew that it was just a book falling, Emil remembered gunshots. It was so loud. And the first thing he could compare it to was a gunshot.

Emil stood in a frozen position, but after shaking off the noise, he crouched to grab the book and took it in his shaky hands. While straightening his back, he felt his breathing becoming uneven and attempted to keep cleaning the books. But he couldn’t.

_ Call Lukas. _

_ Call Lukas. _

He put the book down then turned to the door.  _ Call Lukas. _ He knew that he was beginning to panic and that he shouldn’t be alone for it. He opened his mouth, but only a wheeze came out.  _ Call Lukas before you get worse, idiot! _ “Lukas!” It sounded loud in his head, but it must have been too quiet. He landed against a wall next to him. “Lukas!” It was louder, but it winded him even more.

Emil slid down the wall and coughed a few times. “Lukas!” He pulled his knees to his chest slowly and struggled to say anymore.  _ Keep calling him! Be louder! _ He opened his mouth again, but his voice was gone and all he could do was cough.

Suddenly he heard quick knocking. “Emil?”

He tried to talk, but only sobbed in response. The door was thrown open. “Emil?”

Emil’s breathing was ragged and he tried to take gulps of air, but he seemed to be losing more than he was gaining.

Lukas was coming over to him. “Emil, what is it?” He was surprisingly calm.

Emil reached out his hand in desperation and managed to say a few words. “I can’t…I can’t breathe…!”

He blinked a few times and then Lukas was on his knees next to him. “Yes, you can.”

“I-I can’t!” He wheezed as he tried to keep talking. “I can’t!”

Emil didn’t flinch when Lukas put his hand on him. “Yes, you can. You’re panicking.”

_ I know that! _ He gulped hard and managed to say, “I’m scared.” Lukas looked scared too. Which was strange because when he talked, he didn't sound scared. “I don’t know why!”

“Look at me.”

Emil shook his head, whimpering.

“Look at me!”

Emil gasped as he forced himself to meet Lukas’s eyes.

“Copy my breathing.”

Emil’s brows furrowed. “What?”

“Watch me and copy what you see.”

_ How is he so calm? _ Emil scanned his brother’s face. He didn’t know what he was looking for. Maybe he was trying to process the instructions. He breathed in, but it was rough. He barely got any air. Lukas was silent as he tried to keep breathing.  _ This isn’t working, this isn’t working, this isn’t working. _

Lukas shifted, but Emil didn’t pay attention to it. He didn’t look at his brother’s face again until he felt his hand being held. He didn’t resist the touch. He couldn’t, he was too overwhelmed to move. When he saw the other clearly, he was able to slow his breathing down again. After a few minutes, his breathing was back to normal. He exhaled heavily. His head fell back and hit the wall behind him.

“Do you feel better?”, Lukas asked.

_ Not at all. _ He didn’t cover it up. “No,” he said while peering over at his brother.

He felt his hand being squeezed. “What happened? Tell me.”

Emil’s eyes went to the floor. “I don’t know.” He didn’t know what else to say.

“Did you get scared?”

_ Of course I did. But when am I not scared anymore? _ He opened his mouth to answer, but closed it quickly and it was so slight that Lukas didn’t catch it. He could feel his eyes welling with tears.  _ No, do  _ not  _ cry. _ He turned his head to the ceiling.  _ Don’t cry, don’t cry. _

He heard Lukas shift closer to him. “It’s okay. You’re okay now.”

Emil pulled his hand away from his brother’s after sniffing loudly.  _ Fjandinn, don’t cry. You aren’t a child. _

“Do you want to be alone?”

“No.” He sniffed again.

“What do you need?” He could hear the caution in Lukas’s voice. “I can stay here with you. Or you can sleep in my room.”

Before he could start thinking about his answer, Emil lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Lukas’s abdomen tightly. He hid his face. “Can you make it stop?”, he asked weakly.

He felt himself being pulled closely into a secure hug. “Make what stop?” Lukas was whispering.

“The fear. It won’t go away.” He cried and hiccuped in between his words, and was relieved that they were muffled by Lukas’s shirt.  _ Baby. _ He wasn’t even sure why he asked it. It just came out.

“Shh, just relax.” Emil could feel Lukas beginning to rub his back. “I know, I know.”

He didn’t remember much of the rest of the night. But he did remember being brought into Lukas’s room after his shoulders stopped shaking. He had no clue where the strength to stand up was and figured he leaned on Lukas for the walk down the hallway. He thought he fell asleep quickly and didn’t remember any dreams.

When he woke up the next morning, Lukas was gone. He must have been so exhausted he didn’t wake up to the sound of his brother leaving. He usually did because the war made him a light sleeper. Most noises, no matter how small, woke him up. He wondered where Lukas had even gone, but then remembered he usually got his coffee first thing in the morning. All he knew was that Lukas would be back to check on him soon. And he was probably busy with whoever else was downstairs anyway.

Emil quickly stood from the bed and tiptoed to the door. He looked up and down the hallway as usual then went into the hallway, but stopped. Mathias had Lukas in his arms and they both looked distressed. He hadn’t seen them when he looked down the hall before so it was a surprise to see them for that reason and many others.

Should he go see if Lukas was okay? Of course! Lukas would do the same for him! But what would he ask? Suddenly he found himself in front of Mathias and Lukas, blurting out the first question that came to his head. “What are you doing?”

Lukas’s head was buried in Mathias’s chest. Emil never remembered seeing him this vulnerable. He wondered what happened.

“Nothing, just making sure Lukas is okay,” Mathias answered.

Emil looked at his brother then back at Mathias. “What happened?”

Mathias shook his head. “Lemme just put him down, okay?”

Emil nodded. He figured that would be the answer he got. He watched Mathias go into his own room with Lukas and knew that they would probably be in there for a bit. He might as well give them some space.

Emil continued to his own room and shut the door gently behind himself. He leaned against it, not able to stop thinking about Lukas. Was he okay? What happened? Why was he so upset? After a few minutes of thinking of the worst possible scenarios, he couldn’t stop himself from rushing out of his room and into Mathias’s.

He saw Mathias turn to him, surprised by the opening of his door. He was sitting on his bed beside Lukas, who was laying down and gripping onto Mathias’s hand. Suddenly Emil felt guilty for barging in.

Mathias didn’t say anything to him, but the look he was giving Emil said everything. Emil dipped his head, apologizing silently, and decided to respect their privacy. Whatever it was, he knew that one of them would explain eventually. Emil shut the door gently and went back into his room.

He couldn’t get his brother out of his head. He looked so scared and embarrassed. And he knew that Lukas had nothing to be embarrassed about whatever happened because everybody in the house had bad days. Whatever it was, it could not have been easy, though, especially after seeing him that shaken by it.

It was scary seeing his brother, one of the strongest people he knew, in such a state. He didn't know what else to think about it. He sighed and decided to go sit on his bed. All he had to do was get his mind off of it, especially because it was not his place to squeeze the answers out of Mathias or Lukas. They didn’t do that with him, and were always patient, so he’d be the same with them.

On his way to his bed, he grabbed his copy of  _ Wuthering Heights _ from his desk. Maybe that could take his mind off of everything. Besides, the book wouldn't finish itself. He sat himself in the center of his bed and opened the book, hunching over it ready to read. Upon reading a few pages, he had no idea what happened. He couldn’t stop worrying about Lukas.  _ Is this how he feels all day? _ , he wondered.

Maybe he should go downstairs to see if Berwald and Tino were there. Maybe they knew something. And maybe he could eat breakfast for a change. And possibly put the cups piling up in his room away. He looked around the room. Damn, there were  _ a lot _ of those. But if he went downstairs, they might expect him to stay.

He looked up at the door and immediately thought,  _ No. I’m not going out there again. _ He didn’t even want to. He wanted to read instead. Besides, the book was just getting good. Even if he had read it a few times before, he wanted to know what would happen to Catherine and Heathcliff. And then he wanted to get to the part where their children would meet in secret. How could he pass reading Ellen Dean’s tale? For the third time. He could have missed a few details that he could catch while reading again.

He could see his family whenever he wanted to during the day. And Lukas would check on him soon anyways.

He froze. No he wouldn’t, he was with Mathias.

Emil groaned and shut his book. Stupid thoughts getting the way of his story. He tossed the book to the ground and flopped onto his back. He stared blankly at the ceiling. He just wished that he wanted to leave his room without arguing with himself.

He didn’t know how long he was staring, but he knew that he couldn’t just stay here. He wouldn’t be useless like he’d been for the last few months. He had to get up. But his legs wouldn’t move.

With a grunt, he forced his legs to. He stepped over his book and went to the door. He could do this. He could leave his room. When he opened the door slowly, he stuck his head out into the hallway. Looking up and down it like he always did, he didn’t see anybody around. Mathias’s door was still closed.

He paid no attention to it and stepped one of his feet out of his room, but quickly stopped. The cups! He couldn’t forget those! He ran around his room, gathering all of them. He had to put them away. They were taking up too much space and some of them still had liquid in them.

He stacked them inside of each other and held them as comfortably as he could. There were at least ten in total. It was ridiculous. But now he was finally getting rid of them.

Emil slowly took a few steps out of his room.

He could do this, he could do this.

He walked towards the stairs slowly and took a few steps at a time. When he was halfway down them, he looked back up to the second floor. Every bit of him wanted to run back into his room and slam the door shut. But he forced himself to take a few more steps closer to the kitchen. He had to do this.

He didn’t know how long he had taken, but he had eventually walked himself into the kitchen. He didn’t make eye contact with Tino or Berwald and went straight to the sink. He dropped all of the cups into it and took a deep breath.

“Good morning, Ice,” Tino suddenly said.

He jumped and turned around, meeting his eyes fearfully. “ _ Góðan daginn _ ,” he managed to say.

“Is everything okay?”, Berwald asked.

_ No! _ Emil nodded quickly. “Mhm.”

“You’re out of your room,” Tino said. He sounded impressed.

Emil nodded again. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Do you want to sit?”

Emil shakily brought himself to a chair and sat in it. He let out another breath and stared at the tabletop. This was a lot harder than he originally thought.

Tino put a hand on his back. “It’s okay, we’re right here.”

Emil looked up at Tino. “Is Lukas okay?”, he blurted out.

Tino looked at Berwald fast, his expression switching to an unsure look. “We don’t know,” Berwald answered after a moment of silence. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly. “Is that why you came down here?”

Emil nodded again. “I got worried. I saw Mathias carrying him.”

Tino hummed a worried, “Mm.” He paused. “We saw him while coming down here. He didn’t say what happened, just that he had to bring him to his room.”

Emil felt the panic in him grow slightly. His eyes began to water. But he didn’t know why. “I, um…brought all the cups downstairs.” His voice broke on the last word. He didn’t know why! Why was he getting so upset?

He saw Tino’s eyes widen slightly in the corner of his eye. Emil took in a quick breath, but he choked on it. A noise that sounded like a squeak came out of his throat and his head dipped slightly.  _ This is not the time for this! _

“Emil, what do you need?”, Tino asked slowly. He leaned in closer to him. “What can I do?”

Emil shook his head, hiding his face. “I don’t know…”

“Okay, just relax.” Tino stood from his chair, shifted himself closer to Emil and wrapped his arms tightly around him. “It’s okay.”

Emil’s head fell into Tino and he sat there, unsure as to how he managed to end up in this situation. Why exactly was he being like this? All he did was leave his room. And he finally got rid of those stupid cups all over it. Wasn’t this an improvement? So why was he crying about it like a little kid?

He felt Tino squeeze him reassuringly. All he could really do was cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! I appreciate it so much!
> 
> Translations!!  
> Icelandic: Skítt: Shit, Góða nótt: Good night, Fjandinn: Dammit, Góðan daginn: Good morning  
> Danish: God morgen: Good morning  
> Norwegian: Hva vil du?: What do you want?, God morgen: Good morning
> 
> **I apologize for any inaccuracies


	6. Sweden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **just a warning that there are mentions of PTSD, depression and anxiety, and there are panic attacks written into the chapter

Berwald was always quiet. He wasn’t big on talking and liked to show his affection through actions. Some days were harder than others. But these days it seemed like every day was harder than the one before.

He knew each family member in the Nordic house was battling something different and came out of completely different situations, but he just wanted to see everyone come together again. He wanted Tino to not force his happy personality. And he wanted to hear Mathias talk everybody’s ears off, and for Lukas to tell him to be quiet. And he wanted to see Emil come out of his room without looking up and down the hallways in fear. No matter how many times a family member said they were fine, Berwald wanted to call them out on it. It was clear that nobody was doing okay. What was the use of lying? Nobody was ever convinced. But, again, he wasn't a big talker.

Some days when he woke up, he would exhaust himself by thinking about the day. But he would always have to force the feeling away. Who would talk Tino into getting out of bed? And who would make the coffee for the day? Sure, some days Lukas would make it, but that was only if Berwald slept in. Who would help Tino through his nightmares and panic attacks? Berwald couldn’t just say no and go back to bed after he woke up. He didn’t want to feel anything because if he did, he might give into it. He couldn’t afford to do that. His family couldn’t afford him to do that.

But with each day he felt his limbs growing heavier as he would get out of bed. As if something was trying to drag him back into it. This morning was no different.

Berwald’s arm fell where his husband should have been. Upon feeling the mattress and not a body, he rolled onto his side. Tino was at the edge of the bed again. “Are you okay?”, he asked.

He could hear shifting and saw Tino’s legs go into his chest. He didn’t move to face him. “Nightmare again.” His voice was meek. It usually was these days.

“The same one?”

Tino shook his head. “No. But it was just as bad.”

“What do you need?”

“Dunno.” That was the usual answer. But Berwald always remained patient. “Just need to sit here.” He was happy to see Tino flip onto his back. He was slightly surprised when his hand was reached for. “Can we just stay here for a little?”

Berwald wanted nothing more than to stay in bed, but knew that somebody had to push them, or they’d be there all day. “We have to get ready soon.”

“I know.” There was a hesitant pause. “I just want to sit here with you.”

He wasn’t expecting that either. “Take your time.” Even if Tino hadn’t been as affectionate as he was being now, Berwald would have said the same thing. He had to push Tino, not shove. Part of the process was getting him comfortable.

He nuzzled Tino’s hair and let Tino snuggle into him. They stayed there awhile.

Berwald was used to waking up with Tino scrunched up at the edge of their bed. Sometimes he would wake up alone because Tino would have gone into the living room downstairs and sleep on the couch. Or even just go onto the floor because he was too tired to get to the steps. And whenever Tino tried to apologize for leaving, Berwald wouldn’t let him. He knew that his husband was having a hard time, and to let him apologize for that was putting blame on Tino, when he was doing nothing wrong. Nobody in the house was doing anything wrong, they were just traumatized.

Berwald’s eyes shifted to the clock. Two hours had passed quicker than he thought. He sat himself up and his hand slipped out of Tino’s. “It’s getting late,” he said while grabbing his glasses from their bedside table. “Maybe you should try showering.”

Tino stayed on his back. “But I’m comfortable.”

“I know, but maybe if you shower you’ll feel better. And I can make you coffee.”

Tino gulped and he slowly looked away to a wall. “I guess.”

“C’mon.” Berwald carefully put his hand on Tino’s arm. “Sit up.”

“I don’t want to.”

Berwald sat Tino up as gently as he could. “I know.” He walked over to Tino’s side of the bed. “You’ll be okay.” He walked with Tino to the bathroom slowly. He knew that if he walked too fast, it could fluster Tino. They had to move things at a slower pace to make transitions into different tasks more comfortable and manageable. It was quite nice taking things slowly, though, so Berwald didn’t mind much.

In the hallway, all of the other bedroom doors were closed. Berwald had a feeling everybody was still asleep. And if anybody was awake, it was probably Emil. And he would stay in his bed reading until Lukas made him get ready for the day.

When they got to the bathroom, Tino looked up at Berwald. He hadn’t stepped inside. “Are you going to go downstairs?”

Berwald nodded.

Tino looked into the bathroom then back up at Berwald. “Could you stay with me?” He seemed embarrassed to ask the question.

Berwald blinked, surprised by it. “Stay?”

“Like sit in the bathroom with me?” Tino bit his lip and looked away again. “It’s silly, sorry.”

“It isn’t,” he said quickly but calmly. He stepped inside of the bathroom and turned on the light. “I’ll stay.” Even if it did sound silly, he didn’t care. It would make Tino feel safer, which is all he really wanted.

~

Shortly into Tino getting into the shower, Berwald had gotten him clothes for the day and waited for Tino to finish. He sat on the lid of the toilet seat patiently. The two had talked here and there, but they didn’t have a full conversation, not even when the water had turned off.

Tino’s head appeared and his body was hidden behind the curtain. “Could you pass me a towel?”

Berwald nodded and handed him a towel quickly.

“Thank you.” He disappeared behind the curtain again.

“I got you clothes,” Berwald said. “Should I leave you to get dressed?”

“Yes, please.”

“I’ll go make coffee.” He left the room and shut the door quietly behind himself. With a quiet sigh, he had gone down into the kitchen. The day seemed like it would be slightly better than the one before, but he knew better than to get his hopes up. So he didn’t. All he did was make coffee and wait for Tino to arrive downstairs.

A few minutes into making the coffee, he thought he heard a few footsteps and a sniff shortly after. He pushed it away, thinking it was just the house making noise. But when he felt two small arms wrap around his backside tightly, his eyes widened. He turned his neck and saw Tino’s head buried into his back. “What’s wrong?” He heard small muffled sobs and it caused panic to rise in him slightly.

“Thank you,” was all Tino said.

Berwald’s heart skipped in his chest.  _ Definitely  _ not expecting that. He shook away the shock and removed Tino from him. He spun around and hugged the other properly. Moments like this made him feel as if something was finally going right for their family.

~

The next morning hadn’t gone the same as the one before. Berwald wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He had woken up to feeling the mattress for Tino, but upon turning over to the other side of the bed, he saw nobody beside him.

Standing quickly, he grabbed his glasses. In the process of sliding them on, he walked to Tino’s side of the bed, and was relieved to see the floor empty. That meant that Tino was at least on the couch.

Berwald slipped out the door and walked down the stairs into the living room. To his surprise, Mathias was in a chair next to a window. Tino was on the couch, curled up in a few blankets.

“ _ God morgen _ ,” Mathias said when he saw Berwald.

Berwald nodded to him. He saw an empty beer bottle next to the armchair. “When did you come down here?”

Mathias shrugged. “Three-ish.” He looked at Tino. “I was gonna go back up after my beer, but then figured I should stay with him.” He looked back up at Berwald. “In case he needed anything.”

Berwald nodded again. “ _ Tack _ .”

“You got it.”

Berwald had a feeling there was something on Mathias’s mind. He looked back down at the beer bottle on the ground. “Why were you drinking again?”

Mathias looked out the window, staring blankly at the field outside. “Drinking is better than nightmares about war.” His head fell into his palm. His demeanor had changed, as it usually did when somebody brought up his drinking.

Berwald didn’t know what else to say so he went to the kitchen. After making coffee, he’d wake Tino.

~

The morning after, Berwald woke up with Tino beside him, but against the edge of the bed. At least Tino was asleep.

Berwald put on his glasses and shifted to the center of the bed so he wouldn’t fall like he did a few times before. Berwald kept the light in their bedroom off and didn’t open the blinds. He went downstairs into the kitchen to make coffee as usual.

Then he saw Mathias asleep in the same armchair he was in the morning before, which gutted him. But this time he was asleep. And there was no bottle beside the chair. Hopefully he hadn’t actually drank anything, but Berwald had a feeling he’d just recycled the bottle before falling asleep.

He walked over to the chair and shook Mathias’s shoulder gently. “Mathias?”

Mathias groaned in his sleep and flipped to his other side.

Berwald rolled his eyes and continued to shake Mathias. “Mathias, get up.”

“Five more minutes.”

Berwald shook him harder.

“Ow, stop it.”

“Get up.”

“Ugh, okay, okay.” Mathias slipped onto his back and opened his eyes. “I’m up, I’m up.” He squinted at Berwald. “What time is it?”, he asked as he sat up.

“Nine. Why are you sleeping down here again?”

“Couldn’t sleep, came down for beer, didn’t drink the beer, so I came in here and looked out the window.” Berwald kept his shock hidden.  _ “Didn’t drink the beer”? Really? _ He felt a sense of pride for Mathias. “You wouldn't believe how dark it is at two in the morning.”

Berwald rolled his eyes again. Leave it to Mathias to say something dumb like that. He pushed his glasses up. “The bathroom is open. Go shower, you smell.” Without waiting for an answer, he walked past the chair and into the kitchen.

He heard a dramatic groan from Mathias and a few footsteps. “Can you make me a cup of coffee?”, was called out from the other room.

Berwald smiled to himself slightly. Maybe today would look a bit better than the last few ones. They were off to a good start. But then again, some of the other bad days had been too. Berwald made sure to tell himself not to get his hopes up as he readied the coffee pot.

~

Berwald was sitting at the table with his coffee cup half empty in front of him. Even though it was his second serving, he felt as though the caffeine wasn’t settling into his system. He didn’t have this problem before, but it seemed to be coming up so often lately. He wasn’t sure if he was getting too used to the coffee or what. All he knew was that he’d probably have to look for a stronger brand soon.

He eyed the cup for Mathias across from him. He hoped that Mathias would come downstairs quicker so he wouldn’t complain about his coffee being too cold. Footsteps were soon heard hurrying down the stairs. Mathias seemed to have woken up significantly. He wasn’t where he used to be energy wise, but he never really was anymore.

Mathias took the seat across from Berwald. “I feel so much better.” He looked at the mug. “Is this mine?”

Berwald nodded as he sipped from his own cup.

“Thanks, Sve!” Mathias sipped at the coffee and flinched slightly, setting the cup down quickly.

“What?”

“Hot.”

Berwald nodded. He looked down into his mug then remembered what Mathias said to him before. He looked up. “You didn’t drink last night?”

Mathias shook his head, carefully taking another sip from his cup.

“Why?”

He shrugged, playing with the mug in his hands. “I was talkin’ with Ice last night…he said he didn’t like it when I drank so I…decided not to have any beer.” He looked up with slight embarrassment. “I didn’t realize that it upset you guys so much when I drank. Decided that maybe it was time for a change.” He sipped his coffee again. “And after everything we’ve been though…maybe it’s time for one. But, like, a  _ good _ change.”

Berwald nodded, not taking his eyes from Mathias. He was shocked by his quick compliance to not drink. He was usually a stubborn guy so for him to just take Emil’s word without question was very different for him. Then again, everybody knew Mathias to do anything for his family. So maybe it wasn’t really that shocking.

“You okay? Do you think I’m being dumb?”

Berwald shook his head. “Not at all.”

He nodded. “Good, good.”

There were footsteps and Mathias looked at the doorway. Berwald followed his eyes and saw Tino walking into the kitchen slowly and weakly raised his hand to wave at the men. “ _ Hyvää huomenta _ .”

Berwald saw the slouched shoulders and dark circles under Tino’s eyes. He refrained from furrowing his eyebrows.

“You okay, Fin?”, Mathias asked.

Tino rubbed his eyes. “Just tired.”

Berwald saw Tino go over to the coffee pot, but stood in front of him. “Sit.” He guided Tino to the seat next to his. “I’ll get your coffee.”

Tino smiled softly as he sat down. “Thank you.”

Mathias looked at Tino. “Nightmare wake you up again?”

Tino shook his head, leaning on the table. “No, but…I did have one again.”

Berwald sat beside Tino and placed a mug in front of him.

“Thank you.”

“Mm.”

Tino sipped from his mug carefully. He looked over at Mathias. “You’re up earlier than usual.”

Mathias shrugged. “I fell asleep down here again and Berwald woke me up.”

“Is that why you’re showered too?”

Mathias nodded. “Yeah. It’s nice getting up early.”

Tino nodded. “Well I’m happy you’re up.” He looked over at Berwald. “It’s strange seeing him ready before you.”

“Mm,” Berwald answered.

The three sat in silence, which wasn’t new to their new lives in the house. Mathias, though being able to talk through deadly silence, was silently drinking his coffee and staring down into his mug. Tino ended up finishing his coffee before Mathias and grabbed another cup of. Berwald assumed he wanted to get more caffeine in his system after the first cup hadn’t settled in yet, which was also normal for their new lives.

Berwald wanted to not mind the silence, but there was no way he could enjoy it. First off, their home was never quiet. But when it was, it was never like this. If the silence was because of anything else, maybe it would be tolerable. But knowing that Mathias and Tino were suffering from violent nightmares and weren’t able to sleep normally…there was nothing satisfying about that.

Berwald had gotten so lost in his thoughts that he continued to sip from his mug, even after it was empty. He was snapped out when he felt a nervous hand shake his arm. “Berwald?”

Berwald shook his head and looked down at Tino. “Hm?” He put his mug down.

“Your cup has been empty for the last five minutes.”

Berwald looked down into his cup. “Oh.”

“Do you want more coffee?”

Lukas came into the kitchen before Berwald could answer. Everyone turned their eyes to the doorway when he said, “ _ God morgen _ .”

“Morning, Nor,” Mathias said with a smile. Mathias’s smile was definitely off. It was obvious to anybody. “Berwald made coffee.”

Lukas nodded and walked to the pot, quickly pouring himself a cup. “Thanks.” He sat besides Mathias and the silence resumed.

After a few minutes of watching Mathias play with his empty mug, Berwald saw him straighten and glance over at Lukas. “So, did you see Emil this morning?”

Lukas nodded. “Yeah.” He sucked in a breath. “He said he wasn’t hungry as usual and doesn’t want breakfast. And he said that he would come down soon.” Nobody believed that last part.

Berwald stood and put his mug into the sink. “I’m going to shower.” He kissed Tino’s cheek and calmly went upstairs. He grabbed a change of clothes and went to the bathroom, shutting the door silently behind him and locking it.

After dropping his clothes, he felt a wave of overwhelming pressure wash over him. He knew what was coming and closed his eyes, telling himself that everything would be alright, as he usually did when he felt himself getting like this.

When he didn’t believe himself, though, he would continue to attempt to convince himself that things would soon look up because there was no other place to go. But then he remembered the war and where it left his family. Emil was left terrified for the safety of his country after seeing Mathias and Lukas taken away forcefully. And Tino was taken away too, but only for about a month. But that month left him with nightmares and PTSD.

Berwald could only watch as his family was being ripped apart. His boss, who declared the nation neutral, didn’t let him do anything to help his family. He was helpless. He was  _ still _ helpless.

All he could do was watch his family become more disconnected from each other. And no matter how hard he tried to make them comfortable again, he knew that they were all mad at him for not doing anything during the war. They needed him and he just stood to the side.

Berwald ran a hand down his face to compose himself, but it didn’t work. He caught himself against a wall and cried quietly. He’d done a lot of this when he was away from his family and figured when they were together again, he would be better. He thought that he would only cry out of happiness after being with his family again. But he only seemed to be crying from the same helpless feeling that always lingered in him.

When Tino cried or had another nightmare, he couldn’t do anything. When Mathias drank or didn’t talk, he couldn’t do anything. When Emil stayed upstairs in his room all day because he was scared, he couldn’t do anything. When Lukas didn’t look after himself, he couldn’t do anything. And when he watched everything fall apart, he couldn’t do anything.

It didn’t make any sense. He had been through the least so he should have been able to bring the house to where it’d been before the war had ruined everything. But he couldn’t, which only fueled the helplessness inside of him. And the helplessness fueled his tears, which never seemed to stop when he was alone. If his family had seen him in this condition, then their house really would be beyond return.

~

The next morning, Berwald flipped on his side when he woke up to check on Tino. He wasn’t asleep, but he was just kind of staring at him. “Are you okay?”, Berwald asked.

Tino nodded with a slight smile on his face. “Yeah, I was just…admiring.”

“Did you have a nightmare?”

Tino shook his head happily. “Nope.”

Berwald felt a slight smile tug at his lips. “Good.”

Tino reached for Berwald’s hand. “Should we check if any of the others are awake?”

“Mm.”

Tino scooted closer to Berwald and gave him a kiss on the lips. Berwald blinked. He didn’t remember the last time Tino initiated a kiss. He watched Tino roll away and stand from the bed. “C’mon.”

Berwald had to snap himself out of his surprise and rolled to stand up. Tino walked over to him and took his hand before walking over to the door. “Who should we go to first?”

Berwald shrugged. “Emil?”

Tino nodded, walking out of the room with Berwald’s hand still in his. When they got to his room, he knocked carefully, opening the door quietly. “Emil? Are you awake?”

Berwald was alarmed whereas Tino was confused. Emil wasn’t in his room. “Maybe he’s with Lukas,” Berwald suggested slowly.

“Good idea.” The two walked over to Lukas’s room and Tino repeated his knocking. He opened the door after hearing no answer. He grew more worried, as did Berwald. Neither Lukas nor Emil were inside of their bedrooms.

Tino’s hand came out of Berwald’s and he rushed down the hallway to Mathias’s room. Berwald went after him, but stopped behind Tino when he saw the scene in front of them: Lukas, Mathias and Emil all sound asleep in Mathias’s bed. Mathias had his arms around Lukas’s waist and Lukas had a hand under Mathias’s head, and his other arm under Emil’s abdomen.

Tino sighed in relief and looked up at Berwald.

Berwald took Tino’s hand again. “Let’s let them sleep.”

The two went downstairs quietly. Berwald was happy to see the three together.

~

Berwald was holding Tino’s hand at the table. The two were quietly enjoying each other’s company and their coffee. They hadn’t talked about the scene in Mathias’s room, but Berwald wasn’t very worried about it. He knew that something had most likely happened, but Lukas was probably the one to sort everything out, judging by the fact that he was in the middle of the two others. Berwald was mainly focusing on the fact that Tino was happy to have gotten through a night without a bad dream.

When he saw Lukas come into the kitchen, he refocused his attention there.

“Good morning,” Tino smiled.

“Morning,” Lukas nodded as he walked over to the coffee pot.

“How did you and the boys sleep? Was everything okay last night?”

Lukas poured his coffee and seemed as if he wanted to remain silent. He hesitated as he turned to the two. “Mathias had a bit of a…moment, I guess. He’s okay. Emil just wanted to be with us in the room so we shared Mathias’s bed.” He walked over to the other side of the table and sat down. “How are you two?”

Berwald was happy when Tino didn’t press too much on the subject. “Good,” Tino answered.

“How did you two sleep?”

“Really well, we had a peaceful night.” Berwald and Tino met eyes, but when Tino looked back at Lukas he seemed upset. “I wish that I knew Mathias was having problems, though. I would have helped.”

Berwald nodded, but Lukas shook his head. “Don’t do that. You two deserve a peaceful night for a change.”

Berwald nodded again. Lukas was right, the two did deserve some quiet. As he thought about it, he got a heavy feeling in his limbs. It was the same heavy feeling he’d been getting when he thought about how bad his family was feeling through everything. Almost like if he was being weighed down by something he couldn’t get rid of. So much for a good day. Hopefully it would look up from here.

~

This morning followed an average night. Tino woke up at the edge of the bed, but at least he was in the bed again. He didn’t talk about his nightmare, as usual, and Berwald coaxed him to come downstairs for the morning. Just to get a jump start on the day.

But as they were starting to walk to the kitchen, Berwald felt as though something had been going on. But he couldn’t figure it out. He tried to push it aside, but wasn’t able to when he saw Mathias with Lukas in his arms at the bottom of the staircase. They both seemed anxious about something.

Tino rushed to the bottom of the stairs. “Hey, what happened?”

Mathias gulped. He definitely wasn’t expecting anybody to be up right now. “Um…I’m gonna just go make sure he’s okay. I just wanna bring him to his room.”

Berwald put a hand on Tino’s shoulder before he could ask anything else. Mathias needed to go make sure Lukas was okay. They watched as Mathias went upstairs with Lukas, and he saw Tino trying to watch them to make sure they were okay. Berwald attempted to move him in the direction of the kitchen.

“They’ll talk when they’re ready,” he said. He didn’t want to say that, but he knew that if neither of them stayed calm, it could lead to Mathias and Lukas becoming more worked up.

Tino nodded. “Right.” The two walked into the kitchen, and Berwald started to make coffee after sitting Tino in a seat. When the former sat into the chair besides his husband, he heard, “Do you think they’ll be okay?”

Berwald nodded. “Maybe.” He decided to reassure Tino by taking his hand in his. He knew it wasn’t much, but hoped it was  _ something _ . He knew that Tino would have more questions, and watched as he opened his mouth to ask another. However, he stopped when he saw something in the doorway. Berwald followed his eyes and was just as surprised as Tino.

It was Emil? What was he doing out of his bedroom? And downstairs?

His back was to the couple, and he was putting cups in the sink hurriedly.

“Good morning, Ice,” Tino said after he could no longer remain silent.

Emil jumped. He turned around quickly and the fear in his eyes was very hard to miss. “ _ Góðan daginn _ .”

“Is everything okay?”, Berwald asked.

Emil nodded. “Mhm.” He was lying.

Tino spoke. “You’re out of your room.”

Emil nodded again.

“Do you want to sit?”

As Emil walked over to the empty chair besides Tino, he looked as if he would fall. Berwald readied himself to catch him, but relaxed slightly when Emil sat down.

Tino placed his hand on Emil’s back. “It’s okay, we’re right here.”

Emil looked over to Tino quickly. “Is Lukas okay?”

Berwald met Tino’s concerned eyes and knew that neither really had an answer for Emil. “We don’t know,” Berwald said. It was better than staying silent. “Is that why you came down here?”

He saw Emil nod again. “I got worried. I saw Mathias carrying him.”

Tino hummed his response then said, “We saw him while coming down here. He didn’t say what happened, just that he had to bring him to his room.”

Emil changed the subject quickly. Berwald could see how overwhelmed he felt. “I, um…brought all of the cups downstairs.”

Both Tino and Berwald were silent. Then Emil’s eyes started watering and he made a pained noise. Tino spoke softly. “Emil, what do you need?” He leaned in closer to the other. “What can I do?”

Emil shook his head. “I don’t know…” He hid his face.

“Okay, just relax.” Tino shifted himself closer to Emil after standing from his chair, and wrapped his arms tightly around him. “It’s okay.” Emil’s head fell into Tino, his sobs quiet.

Berwald wished he could have done more for Emil, but felt as though it wouldn’t have done much. And he hated himself for feeling that way.

~

It felt as though they couldn’t catch a break.

The next morning, Berwald could feel the bed shifting and tried to push it away. Tino usually took a few minutes to get comfortable and tended to toss around, so he figured it was only that. And when Tino woke up from nightmares, he took a few minutes to get comfortable again and would toss like he usually did. It was nothing new, and Tino would always tell Berwald not to worry when he would move around in their bed.

But today something just felt…off. Berwald usually wasn’t able to ignore it, but right now he  _ really _ wasn’t able to ignore it. He flipped onto his side and opened his eyes with knitted brows. Tino was entangled in their covers and whimpering as he flipped around in their bed. Berwald propped himself up on his elbow and reached over to Tino.

“Tino.” He shook his shoulder gently. “Tino, wake up.”

Tino jerked away and his eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t wake up.

Berwald leaned closer to him and moved his hand to Tino’s arm. “ _ Älskling _ , please wake up.”

Tino’s eyes flew open with a loud gasp, causing Berwald to pull back his hand in surprise. He watched the other’s eyes work to take in his surroundings, but he couldn’t seem to calm down.

“Tino?”

Tino’s scared eyes met Berwald’s.

Berwald kept his voice soft. “Nightmare?”

Tino sniffed loudly and his breathing quickened. He nodded and his head fell into his pillow, sobbing into it.

Berwald adjusted himself on his elbow. “It’s okay.” He took Tino’s arm and flipped him onto his back. “It’s okay.”

Tino covered his eyes with his sleeve. “No, it’s not,” he cried weakly.

Berwald watched him, knowing it wasn’t the time to touch him more. Plus, he was taken aback. Tino hadn’t cried from nightmares in so long, it was almost as if he didn’t know what to do. Or to say.

“Stupid Ivan ruining  _ everything _ ! His stupid need to have the whole world under his thumb and to control innocent people! But all he did was ruin minds and hurt people!”

Berwald’s heart ached at the weak cries coming from Tino.

“The stupid wars made everything worse! And now everyone in the house is just getting worse!” He continued to sob loudly. “Nobody is getting better because it feels hopeless to even  _ do _ anything anymore!” He wiped his eyes and moved his eyes to look back up at Berwald through his tears. He sniffed. “You seem like you’re the only one who has hope anymore, Berwald.” His voice was calmer. “You know what to say and what to do with everybody. You actually have hope, and here I am just throwing your kindness away. It’s not fair to you, and I don’t deserve you.”

Berwald felt a lump form in his throat. He looked into Tino’s eyes. He struggled to talk. “You’re…a good person.”

Tino shook his head.

Berwald spoke before he could. “Don’t. I’m okay with helping you.”

Tino sobbed again. “But it feels like I’m taking advantage of you.”

Berwald shook his head and leaned closer into Tino. “Don’t say that.” He took Tino’s hand. “Don’t.”

Tino wiped his eyes again. “Can I…?” He stopped himself. “Nevermind.”

“You can say it.”

“Can I talk about the…dream?”

Berwald could have sworn he felt his heart stop. Tino never talked about his nightmares. Not since they began getting worse, at least. He was always too scared so Berwald had figured that when he was ready, he would share. He didn’t think that this would be the day they’d talk about it.

“Was that stupid to ask?”

Berwald was snapped out of his thoughts. “Hm?”

“You were kind of just staring…” He started flipping onto his side and took his hand away. “It’s fine, I don’t want to even talk about it.”

“No, no. You can talk about it. I’ll listen.”

Tino turned his head to see Berwald. “Really?”

Berwald nodded. “Of course.”

They stayed staring into each other’s eyes for a moment. Berwald let Tino have all the time he needed to prepare himself. When Tino flipped to his other side again and propped himself up on his elbow, he gulped. He opened his mouth a few times, but hesitated and stopped himself from talking.

Berwald grabbed Tino’s hand gently. “It’s okay.”

“Ivan didn’t do much to us,” he started suddenly. “But he did want to live with everybody.” He looked away from Berwald and stared at the sheets under them. “But his boss was… _ cruel _ .” His bottom lip began to quiver and Berwald squeezed his hand. As Tino sniffed and continued, Berwald ran his thumb over the other’s knuckles to relax him. “And the stupid guards were okay with doing whatever they wanted to us.” His voice broke in between words. “First they would go after Natalia and Yeketerina…then Ravis…and he would cry all the time.”

Berwald let Tino pause. He let him compose himself as many times as he needed. He could hear by the tone of his voice how hard it was. And they weren’t even up to the part about his dream. But if Tino couldn’t continue before they got there, that was okay.

“Then he went after Eduard and Toris. And Toris would take all of the beatings for everyone…He didn’t care what happened to him, he just wanted the others to be okay. But then the guards stopped going after him, I guess they got bored.” He squeezed his eyes shut tight then opened them again. “Then they started taking me.” He peered up at Berwald. “And Ivan would try to stop it, but his boss would stop him.” He tore his eyes away quickly. Berwald felt heavy when he saw how many tears covered Tino’s face, but let him continue. “And the nightmare was just reliving everything they did.” He let out a choked sob and his elbow fell from under him. “ _ Voi luoja _ …” A rush of tears came over him.

Berwald’s eyebrows were furrowed as he watched helplessly.

“And the abuse was different depending on who you were,” Tino added in a quiet and meek voice.

Berwald’s eyes widened slightly.

Tino sniffed and took his hand away from Berwald’s again. “I’m sorry.”

Berwald shook his head. “No, don’t apologize.”

Tino’s body shook with his sobs as he barely managed to continue talking. “And you call me a strong person, but I don’t feel it. I never know what you or the others are talking about when you say that I’m so strong for getting through this. What am I getting through? I can barely talk about it!”

“You’re a strong person.”

He shook his head again, reaching a hand to his husband’s cheek. “No, I’m not.  _ You’re _ the strong one.”

The touch sparked something in Berwald. As if something had been turned on. He could feel the lump in his throat growing bigger and he felt his own lip beginning to waver. Tino made a small noise in surprise as Berwald moved back from the touch and covered his mouth. “B-Berwald?”

Berwald dragged his hand down the bottom part of his face. “ _ Skit _ ,” he cursed. He could feel Tino’s eyes on him.

Tino probably looked even more terrified now than he’d been when he came out of his nightmare. Berwald tried to hide his face, but was shocked to feel Tino putting his fingers under his chin. “It’s okay,” he cooed softly.

Berwald watched as Tino sat up and moved his other hand to Berwald’s face to wipe tears he hadn’t even noticed. “Shh.” Tino brought his lips to Berwald’s forehead, which caused his eyes to squeeze shut. “I’m right here.”

Berwald lifted his hand to Tino’s wrist and held onto it tightly, as if it was all that could support him.

It all came rushing to him. He was supposed to be strong for his family, but he was struggling just like them. But  _ why _ ? He’d seen scary things, but nothing like Mathias and Lukas, where they saw the horrible things German soldiers did to innocent people. And he wasn’t like Emil, who had been forced to be on his own suddenly with no help. And he wasn’t in Tino’s situation where he was forced into a new home, crammed with others, and tortured in more ways than somebody could ever think of.

But he helplessly watched his family be separated from himself and one another. He didn’t do anything because he couldn’t. So he promised himself that he would protect them and lift them up when they were reunited. Here they were now, reunited, but still living in different worlds. What the hell was he supposed to do? He was the one with the least amount of damage so he was the one who had to help the family. He had no place to cry and beg for help when those he loved had been though far worse. He couldn’t be selfish because the others actually needed the help.

Berwald opened his eyes and met Tino’s. “Sorry.”

Tino shook his head. “You didn’t let me apologize so I’m not letting you.” He bent over and kissed his forehead again. “ _ Rakastan sinua niin paljon _ .”

Berwald sniffed and sat up. “ _ Jag älskar dig också _ .” He put a hand to Tino’s cheek and Tino nuzzled into it. He took his hand away and pulled Tino into him, hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

Tino buried his head into Berwald. “I’m sorry you’ve been keeping everything to yourself.” He paused and looked up at Berwald. “Why didn’t you tell me you were so upset about everything?”

“Didn’t want to upset you.”

“Nonsense. You’ve been listening to me go on for so long now. I want to make sure that you are okay, too. That’s what we need to do. You're trying to be the big strong guy in the house, but you shouldn't have to hide what you feel to protect us.”

“Mm.” Berwald hugged Tino tighter. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I love you.”

Berwald kissed Tino’s cheek. “Love you, too.”

Tino put his hands on either side of Berwald’s face before they could resume their hug. “Look at me for a second.” Berwald listened. “You’re amazing and I love you. And thank you for helping me.” He nodded and Berwald could see tears coming to his eyes again. “And I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and I love that you’re always with me, but you also have to work on helping yourself.”

“Mm.” He’d never really heard anybody say that to him. Was it true?

“And I’m always here for you.” He brought Berwald’s face to his and planted a small kiss on his lips. “Got it? You’re stuck with me.”

Berwald nodded. “Mm.” A small smile began forming on his lips. “Okay.” The smile went away shortly. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk about your nightmare more.”

Tino shook his head. “No, don’t be. It was…getting too hard anyway.” His smile brightened slightly. “We made progress, though. I was finally able to talk about…you know.” He took a very short pause. “And you cried. Which is good! Because you expressed yourself.”

Berwald felt something come over him again. And he was relieved that his limbs were not nearly as heavy as they were before. They weren’t light as a feather, but they were not as heavy as they’d felt when he felt completely helpless.

Tino was right: they  _ did  _ make progress. But something in the Nordic household most definitely had to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! I appreciate it a lot!
> 
> Translations!!  
> Danish: God morgen: Good morning  
> Swedish: Tack: Thank you, Älskling: Honey, Skit: Crap, Jag älskar dig också.: I love you too.  
> Finnish: Hyvää huomenta: Good morning, Voi luoja: Oh, God, Rakastan sinua niin paljon: I love you so much  
> Norwegian: God morgen: Good morning  
> Icelandic: Góðan daginn: Good morning
> 
> **I apologize for any inaccuracies


	7. Discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **just a warning that there are mentions of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks in this chapter

Mathias was constantly checking in on Lukas since the incident in the kitchen. He wasn’t coming downstairs as often. Berwald and Tino hadn’t left their room as early (and often) as they usually did following their talk the morning after Lukas’s panic attack. And Emil was trying to leave his room, but found he seemed to be the only one really going downstairs anymore. And he was always on the verge of panicking when he was on the first floor.

Ever since Lukas’s panic attack, Mathias couldn’t stop thinking about the homelife he was a part of. The family couldn’t keep living how they were. He noticed that the already limited activity in the house had somehow decreased even more. And it wasn’t good. So he spent all of the next day checking in on Lukas, checking on Emil for Lukas, and deciding on how to get the family to have a meeting where they could all sit down in the living room and discuss their current situation. The way they were living was _not_ working.

He didn’t mention anything about his concerns until a few days later. But he felt as though he wasn’t really being listened to, and this is how he noticed the state of his family declining more. Tino and Berwald were waking up later than usual, Lukas wasn’t getting out of bed and Emil was even more jittery. Mathias couldn't sit back and watch any longer. It was time to talk.

The next morning, he woke up first. And he went straight to Berwald and Tino’s room. When he knocked on the door, he expected Berwald to tell him to go away, but there was no answer so Mathias knocked again. And there was still quiet so he threw the door open, the last of his patience leaving him quickly. He saw the two asleep and buried under their blanket. He would have thought it was a sweet sight to see them so close together if he hadn’t been so focused on getting this family meeting started.

He walked over to Berwald and shook him hard. “Sve, get up.” He wasn’t whispering.

Berwald’s eyes opened slowly. When he saw Mathias, he looked annoyed. “What?” He reached for his glasses.

“Get up, family meeting. And get Tino up. Meet on the couch downstairs.” He left the room and went straight to Emil’s room. “Emil,” he said while knocking, “get up!”

Emil opened his door and looked confused. “I’m already up.”

Mathias wasn’t expecting an answer so fast, but pushed the surprise aside. “Family meeting in the living room. Get down there soon, okay?”

The color drained from Emil’s face quickly. “Really?”

Mathias stepped closer and bent his knees slightly to match Emil’s height. “I know you’ve had trouble getting out of your room, I do, but this will be good for you. Trust me. Plus, you’ve been working on going downstairs more. So think of this as practice.”

“Practice?”

Mathias straightened. “Everybody’s going downstairs so don’t worry, okay? If anything, you can wait for Tino and Berwald to go down.”

Emil nodded. “Okay…” Mathias knew that Emil would be okay. And if he wasn’t, Mathias would go back and help him after telling Lukas what was going on.

He looked at Lukas’s closed bedroom door. He was gonna be a little tougher to get downstairs. But Mathias was willing to try. He walked over quickly and knocked softer than he had with the other two rooms. “Lukas?” He opened the door quietly and saw Lukas on his side under the covers.

There was a very quiet, “I’m up.”

Mathias shut the door behind himself. “There’s a family meeting downstairs soon. Everybody has to be down there.”

“Don’t wanna get up,” Lukas mumbled, turning his head into his pillow.

Mathias walked to the side of the bed and knelt next to it to see Lukas’s face. “Please? I know you don’t wanna, but it’s really important.”

Lukas gulped. “I don’t know.”

Mathias pulled the covers from Lukas. “Let’s go,” he said. “I’ll walk with you.”

Lukas groaned as he forced himself to a sitting position. Mathias pulled him to his feet and they walked out of the room together just in time for Emil to walk out of his own room. He was obviously upset, but Mathias was happy to see him.

Upon seeing how Emil looked, Lukas reached out his hand silently. Emil took it without arguing and they began walking to the stairs together. Mathias went back to Berwald and Tino’s room to see it empty. He was very happy (and a bit surprised) that they had listened to him.

When the five were downstairs together, Mathias pulled two of the armchairs closer to the couch so they could all sit together. Emil was scrunched up in one, Berwald and Tino were at one end of the couch, Lukas was at the other end and Mathias took the other armchair.

There was silence for a few minutes. Nobody except Mathias knew what the point of this was and it’d been so long since all five of them had been together. It was weird for all of them.

Eventually, Tino looked over at Mathias. “So what is this about? Is everything alright?”

Mathias sucked in a break. He couldn’t say everything was fine. “No.”

Tino and Lukas looked confused, Emil looked away from the four and Berwald was staring blankly.

Mathias cleared his throat. “I just…we have to talk about everything. Because we’re all living in the same house again, but we’re not living _together_.”

"What?", Emil asked, looking back over to Mathias.

"You know what I mean."

"If I did, I wouldn't be asking."

Tino cut the two off before it could progress into an argument. “Well it’s been hard since the war,” he said quietly.

“I know,” Mathias answered. “I’m not saying that anybody is overreacting or anything.”

“Then what _are_ you saying?”, Emil asked, looking away again.

“That we’re so divided. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but none of us are how we used to be.” He looked at Lukas. “You’re quieter than usual, and you never insult me anymore.” He looked over at Tino. “You’re terrified of sleeping because your nightmares cause panic attacks.” He looked at Berwald. “You help everybody but yourself and haven’t said _anything_ about how you feel. Same with Lukas.” He looked at Emil. “And you can barely leave your room without freaking out!” He threw his hands in the air angrily and they landed on the armrests. “This isn’t normal! We can’t live like this and think that it’s okay!”

“So what do you want us to do?”, Lukas asked, crossing his arms.

“Tell me how you feel! Communicate with everybody!” Mathias looked around at everybody. “I want everybody to go around the circle and talk about what they’re scared of! The silence isn’t helping. It doesn’t have to be in full detail, just say what’s going on in your head. And what we can do! We’re a family, dammit, we shouldn’t be so scared of sharing how we feel!”

The men around him were dumbfounded. And a bit guilty.

“My room is comfortable,” Emil mumbled after a moment of silence. “I like it in there. And me not leaving it before was never a problem. What’s the big deal?” He looked at everybody around him.

“You don’t eat,” Lukas said. “And you barely talk anymore. I think this is the most I’ve heard you speak all month. You used to be an annoying teenager, but now you’re just scared of everything to the point where you can’t leave your room without panicking.”

“That’s not my fault! Blame Ludwig and his stupid boss for taking you and Mathias away from me!” Nobody said anything. Emil gestured big with his hands. “I was alone! I thought you two would be killed! I had to sever all ties with Mathias! But I have _never_ been on my own! Now all of the sudden everything and everyone is taken from me, and I’m left on my own to fend for myself?” He fell back into his chair and crossed his arms. “I don’t want to leave my room because there’s nothing in there to be taken.”

Lukas sighed. “Why didn’t you say that before?”

“Because you and Mathias were busy dealing with your own shit! And Tino and Berwald, too! I was fine on my own after everything.”

“Clearly not,” Tino said calmly. “You came downstairs the other day and you were immediately driven to tears.”

“You staying in your room is hurting you,” Lukas added.

“I know that!”, Emil yelled. “I know that! I don’t want to stay in my room all the time, but it’s either that or a panic attack! I don’t know what to do!”

“That’s okay,” Mathias said.

Emil turned to Mathias angrily. “No, it’s not! I had you and Lukas to help me before, but now I have to figure everything out on my own!”

“You’re not alone just because your country is independent! You live with four other nations who can still give you advice!”

Emil sunk in his seat. “Can somebody else talk? I don’t wanna talk about me anymore. It’s frustrating.”

“That’s because you never talk about yourself like this.”

“Shut up.”

Mathias sighed. “We’ll come back to you then.” He looked around. “Somebody else start talking. We’re getting through everyone.”

Nobody said anything. Mathias crossed his arms and Emil looked away again. The silence was worse than usual. Mathias kept looking at everybody. Nobody moved and began looking in different directions to avoid talking. When Mathias went to say something else, Berwald started talking. “I don’t have much to talk about.”

“Then say what you _do_ have to talk about.”

“What?”

“Just talk about how you’re feeling!”

Berwald sighed. He knew he wasn’t getting out of this. “I didn’t go through anything as traumatic as you all. You were all forced into war, I wasn’t. I was able to stay neutral. I’m just trying to make sure everybody is getting better since everything. I don’t need as much attention as any of you because I did not go through the same thing as you all.”

“Whoa, hold on,” Tino said, looking up at Berwald. “Just because you went through something a little different than us doesn’t mean that you get to forget about your feelings. The war was scary for everybody, no matter what they went through.” He furrowed his eyebrows. “You don’t get to decide that your trauma doesn’t matter because it’s a little different than ours. It _does_ matter. It affected you and you need to take care of yourself.” He looked around at everybody. “That should go for everyone. We’re family, I want everybody to be okay. If you’re not happy, _I’m_ not happy.”

Berwald shrugged. “Well I don’t want you to be on your own during everything.”

Tino looked back up at him. “But if you need some time on your own, that’s okay. Just because we’re apart for a little bit, doesn’t mean anything bad.”

Something sunk into the other men’s heads. Mathias voiced it. “You’re afraid of leaving Tino alone because of what happened with Ivan.”

Berwald looked at Mathias. “What?”

“You don’t want Tino to be on his own because he was on his own with Ivan. And you don’t want him to be scared so you’re always by his side. And you don’t care how you’re feeling because you’re so worried with him.”

Berwald gulped and Tino kept his eyes up. He put a hand on Berwald’s upper arm. “If that’s true, it’s okay.”

Berwald spoke carefully. “Well, I couldn’t do anything before, but that’s different now. So I’ll do what I can.” He narrowed his eyes at Mathias. “Can we move on from me?”

Mathias nodded. “Yeah.” He knew better than to push Berwald. He looked between Tino and Lukas. “Who’s going next?”

Tino shrugged. “I guess me.” He sighed, trying to get his thoughts together. “I’m not ungrateful for the attention you’ve given me,” he started while staring at Berwald, “but you need to watch out for your own health. And…I always wondered why you _did_ give me so much attention because…well, it feels as though I was taking advantage of it. I am grateful, I really am, but I leave the bed in the middle of the night, I scoot away from you, and I just…I-I don’t know.”

Berwald shook his head. “I don’t think you’re taking advantage, you’re just scared. And I’m happy to help.”

“But you’re not helping _yourself_! That’s my problem! Well, all of the nightmares, too, I obviously have problems with those…but the fact that you’re not caring for yourself worries me.” He took in a breath and looked at his knees. He needed to calm down “And I feel like I can’t help you because of my nightmares. It feels like I’m so useless in the house. I can barely get through one night without freaking out because of a bad dream.” His shoulders fell. “I want to do more around the house like I used to, but I never have the motivation.”

“And that’s okay because you did so much for us before everything,” Mathias said.

Tino shrugged, looking over to him. “I don’t really know what else to say.”

Mathias nodded. “That’s okay.” He looked at Lukas.

Lukas met his eyes. “What?”

“Your turn.” 

“I don’t know how I feel. I thought I did, but now I don’t.”

“Why?”

Lukas narrowed his eyes slightly. “Because you had a panic attack in front of me, then my brother had one, and then I had one in front of you.”

Berwald, Tino and Emil all stiffened and looked at the two. ”What?”, Tino asked. “When did this happen?”

“ _You_ had a panic attack?”, Emil asked looking over to Lukas.

Lukas shook his head. “That’s not important, I don’t want to talk about that.” He shrugged, looking at the floor. “I just want to get past everything that happened. I don’t want to think about Germany or fighting…but it’s all I can think about lately. Since the stupid panic attack. And now I don’t want to get out of bed anymore.” He threw his hands up in defeat. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” He looked up at Mathias. “I’m not saying anymore so just move on.”

Mathias sighed. “So what should we do? How do we move past everything?”

Lukas glared at him. “Wait, aren’t you going to say how _you_ feel?”

Mathias was caught off guard. “Well, I–”

“Don’t tell Berwald and me that we’ve been avoiding our feelings when you just skipped over yourself entirely. You haven’t mentioned yourself _once_ during this. And last time I checked, you’re a part of the family so _you_ have to talk about yourself if all of us had to.”

Mathias nodded slowly. “You got me.” He took in a breath. “I’m just…”, he gulped, “nervous.”

“About what?”, Tino asked.

“ _Everything_. It feels like we’re never going to go back to normal. No matter how hard we try to act like nothing happened, it’ll always be there. The aftermath of everything, I mean. We’re always going to remember this, too. And some days I just wish that we could…just go back in time and stop Ludwig and his boss before things got bad. That way…maybe things would have gone better. Not as many people would have died. We wouldn’t have been separated, either…” He shrugged. “But I think that’s just wishful thinking.”

“Is that why you were drinking so much?”, Lukas asked. “Because you wanted to forget?”

Mathias nodded. “I’m not proud of it. I wish that I never touched alcohol. But talking about it…it was just so hard.” He shrugged again. “I don’t know.” He leaned back in his chair. “I just wish that we could go back to normal. And that it just never happened to begin with.”

The men were silent again. Nobody knew what to say. They could barely look at each other, ashamed that they were not as open as they used to be. How could a family of five that did almost everything together and talked about everything together, turn into a group of strangers?

Emil spoke slowly, and it caught everyone off guard. “It just feels hopeless most of the time.” He was still looking away, but felt everybody’s eyes on him. “If we’ll never go back to how we were, then what’s the point of trying so hard to get there?”

Tino’s eyebrows furrowed. “Don’t talk like that.”

Berwald sighed. “He’s right.” Everybody but Emil looked at Berwald, slightly surprised. He continued. “Our family is changing. So much that we can’t really go back to how we were. And we shouldn’t strive for something if it doesn’t seem realistic. Instead, we should focus on getting to a place where we can be better than we were. Where we can all communicate easier, and where we can just be there for each other.”

“How do we do that?”, Emil asked, looking over to Berwald with sad eyes.

Berwald hesitated. “I don’t know.”

Did any of them know, though?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit different from the first few! The last chapter will have a similar format, as well so stay tuned for that!  
> Thank you so much for reading!!


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **just a warning that there are mentions of PTSD, depression and anxiety  
> **there are also mentions of World War II

It wasn’t easy. The family trying to get back to some sort of normalcy was probably more mentally exhausting than when they first tried living together again after the war. Things were slow at first. Berwald and Lukas still had trouble voicing their feelings, Emil still had trouble getting out of his room, Tino still had violent nightmares and had trouble talking about his fears, and Mathias still struggled getting through the nights and days without beer.

But they still took steps to get to their goal. One morning, a few weeks after their first family meeting, Mathias went through the refrigerator with a garbage bag and stuffed all of the alcohol he could find into it. He tied it off and handed it to Berwald and Tino, who were at the table, and told them to get rid of it. They took it and disposed of it quickly for Mathias’s sake. It didn’t make it much easier getting through without it, but the fact that Mathias couldn’t go downstairs and just drink when he wanted was reassuring. Of course, he could always go to the store to get beer, but he knew his family wouldn’t let him do that.

It was still scary having to get through his nightmares without beer to help him forget those memories. He wanted to go ask for help, but always felt guilty for waking somebody up for help. After voicing this one morning at breakfast, Tino had an idea. In the afternoon, he gave Mathias an empty notebook. He had a few with him.

Tino said that they would write down nightmares they had. And once the book was finished, they’d burn them. But for now, they’d fill up the book with nightmares and just dreams they had in general. And feelings in general. To deal with them. If they wrote down how they felt, they would know that they couldn’t push them away, and it would be a better way to deal with them. It was better than staying up all night, worrying.

x Dec. 1945

Dear me, (who do I address this to???)

I can’t believe I’m really doing this.

When Tino gave me this book, I thought he was kidding. But then he was serious. It’s weird writing to myself. It feels like I’m turning into somebody new in a way. I mean…I got rid of all of the beer in the house and it feels so good to know that there’s nothing tempting me anymore. And now I can focus on other things regarding getting better. And maybe I can talk to Lukas more, you know? Like we can work on getting closer hopefully. I hope we can. I still feel like he’s mad at me for leaving him with Ludwig. Then again, he made me leave. Maybe he’s mad at me for not listening and fighting. I don’t know.

I feel different with Lukas lately. I’ve felt it for some time after the war, but I don’t want to fuck anything up. Shit, am I allowed to curse while writing? Eh, who cares? It’s my journal, is it not? Whatever, I’m gonna curse.

Anyway, I feel like me and Lukas are…being more…you know…with each other. It’s not anything crazy because I don’t wanna freak him out. Especially because he’s already freaked out with Emil and worried about the others.

But I think that I love Lukas. FUCK WHY DID I WRITE THAT DOWN I'M USING PEN! Wait, I can cross shit out. Okay, ANYWAY! How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?! What the  **FUCK** do I do?!?!?!?! Because Lukas is so great to me and we’ve helped each other through a lot going on. He’s been amazing to me, and while we were stuck with Ludwig we stayed together and made sure we were okay. We stuck together through so much shit and now we’re living together again.

And I don’t wanna stay friends with him either. I wanna actually have some sort of romantic relationship with him, where I can tell him how much I love him and hug him. I wanna be like Tino and Berwald! Well…maybe not, they’re a special kinda pair.

I think that Lukas has been really good to everyone in the house, though. I just wished that he would take care of himself better, you know? He deserves to give himself some more recognition for all of the stuff he’s done for the others. And he’s been helpful around the house in general, too. He’s just so great! I think that anybody would be lucky to have him in their life.

sssssiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhh

Damn, I think I fell hard for him. But I’m strangely okay with it? It gives me something else to focus on that doesn’t have to do with beer. And I really don’t want to go back to beer. I’m scared of it at this point because I developed such a reliance on it, I could barely get through the night without it. ~~But now~~ (<\- hah, I crossed something out!)

I think I have Emil to thank for getting rid of beer in the first place. I didn’t throw it out the night he asked me not to drink, but I put the bottle back in the fridge which was a lot harder than I thought it’d be. But I wanted to do it for Emil. He was already so upset with everything going on that I just felt so bad for him. I wanted to show him that I could do it. And I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it too.

And now all of the beer is out of the house and I don’t even know where Tino and Berwald got rid of it, so I can’t go and get more. I’m actually weirdly proud of myself? Is that cocky to say? Eh, I’m a cocky guy I don’t think it matters that much.

I really miss the way our family was and I miss being able to talk without stopping. And I miss hearing Lukas telling me to shut up, and I miss annoying Berwald and Emil as much. And I miss hearing Tino laugh like he used to. But I think we’ll get back there at some point. Emil asked how we were supposed to get to a place where we were happy and Berwald said he didn’t know. And that was scary to hear him say he didn’t know because my initial thought was that we would never get better. But we thought nothing would get better after a lot of things in history. Francis said he didn’t think he’d get better after the French Revolution, but here he is now. And Ivan was upset after the last of the czars in his nation were murdered, but he got past it. Well, not just get past it, I meant, like…live with it. Oh, whatever, you I know what I mean.

I think a lot of people and nations thought similarly to how everybody at home is now. That sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I don’t know how else to word it. They think that nothing will ever get better. But progress is never impossible, right? And there’s always somebody who has it worse than us, right? It almost makes me wonder who  _does_ have it the worst right now. Who is going through the most after everything?

Ludwig, maybe? It was _his_ boss who fucked everything up. But I do wonder how he’s doing sometimes. I want to feel mad at him and just be angry with him, but I think I feel bad for him more than anything. He’s going to have this on his history forever. Nobody will forget this any time soon.  And it shouldn't be forgotten. The victims deserved to be remembered and respected while the villains deserved to be remembered as villains, and nothing less. They were terrible (to put it lightly).

As I sit here I can only hope that something like this never happens again to anybody. Nobody, no matter how evil or good, deserves to be treated so lowly. This war is one that will go down in history as one of the most inhumane things ever done by humanity.

I think this is enough for now, I’m really starting to bum myself out.

\- Mathias Køhler ( _Kongeriget Danmark_ ).

The next day Tino gave Berwald a journal of his own. This was not to write down nightmares, though (unless he wanted to). Berwald was still having problems with discussing his feelings, so Tino suggested he write about them instead. That way he could deal with what he was feeling in some way where he wouldn’t have to worry about judgement, the one thing he was scared of. Berwald got through his book quickly, and soon needed a few more to keep writing. But starting the process of writing was very difficult for him. The first day he sat down to write, he stayed in front of the blank page for almost thirty minutes.

xx December 1945,

I’m not entirely sure if this will work. It seems to help Tino and Mathias pretty well, but I’m not the same as them so I’m not sure. And they’re writing about nightmares, I’m not.

I guess I could start by saying that I’m mad at Ludwig and Ivan the most out of anybody. Well, I guess their bosses are who I’m _really_ mad at.

I know that their bosses were behind everything, but they’re still the personifications of the countries. They’re still involved no matter how much they didn’t want to be. I wish they’d been able to control their bosses better during all of this because they really messed with the house, and millions of others. They hurt so many people, but I think that they are aware of that. I would like to hope that they are. But I think that they’re smart enough to know that they need to try their hardest to stop anything this bad from happening again. I think everybody has to work together to stop this from happening again. However, something bad, not as bad as this war, could happen with the Soviet Union. Tino said that people were very angry with Ivan and his boss. And why wouldn’t they be? I think I’m just relieved that Tino is alright and is home with us.

I don’t know what I would really do without him. I was really scared when I was alone. I wasn’t completely alone because Emil was here, but not always. And I wanted to help him when Mathias and Lukas were taken, but my boss just wouldn’t let me. He wanted to stay as neutral as he could during the war. I had to fight him just to let Emil stay in the house. And I understand why, but I’m still mad at myself for not doing much. I wanted nothing more than to go to Ludwig’s house and help everybody in there, but especially Lukas and Mathias. As annoying as Mathias is, I missed him. It was too quiet in the house without him. And I wanted to go to Emil and check on him, and to go to Ivan’s house and just take Tino home. I wonder if anything different would have happened if I did try any of that. If anything, I would have gotten in trouble with my boss. But it had to do with both sides of the war, and it would have just been for my family. There’s nothing political about family. And stealing somebody’s family should not be written off as such.

I guess there’s no use in wondering, though, because everything has passed. I just hate that my family went through so much at the same time, but couldn’t help each other. That’s my biggest fear, I think. I don’t want to be without my family again and maybe that’s why I’m always by Tino’s side lately. I know that I need to look out for myself, but the idea of being away for even a few minutes scares me just because it didn’t take that long for Ivan to take Tino away. And it also didn’t take that long for Mathias and Lukas to be separated either. Tino wasn’t gone for that long, but that short amount of time felt like an eternity to me. And I can’t imagine how long it felt for Emil to be without Lukas and Mathias.

I didn’t know what to think and _still_ don’t know what to think. How do you get past your family being away from you? I thought I would never see them again. I want nothing more than to go to sleep and wake up and realize that all of this was just some God awful nightmare. And I think what makes it worse is the fact that I don’t really know how to help the others. I know that they need to be on their own and figure things out, but I just want to help them in whatever ways I can.

I’ve been told during most of this that I don’t take care of myself enough. Tino got really upset during the first family meeting about that. I didn’t think that there was much to look at with me, though, because I didn’t really go through what they did. Yes, I saw the family get separated but I wasn’t left on my own suddenly, and I wasn’t forced to live with somebody else. I was scared, but not to the extent of the others. I really don’t think that I deserve all the fuss. I just don’t need it, it can be focused on somebody else.

I wish that the war had never happened. That way everything would be the same. I think everybody feels this way. And without the war, Tino wouldn’t have had his nightmares like this, Mathias wouldn’t have had his reliance on alcohol, Lukas wouldn’t be as depressed as he is, Emil wouldn’t be so scared of everyone, and I wouldn’t be scared too I guess. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is fear. I guess it is. I get a sinking feeling every time I think about the war, but who doesn’t? But I get nervous and anxious to be apart from the others. I don’t want anybody to be on their own during the aftermath of everything. They shouldn’t have to be, and we’ve all spent so much time apart.

I love my family and I just want them to be okay.

~ Berwald Oxenstierna, _Konungariket Sverige_

Tino still had his nightmares and needed comfort. But he was also working on staying in his bed for the night when he _did_ get nightmares. He wasn’t able to at first, but after writing down his nightmares for a week and a half, he was able to.

Berwald made sure to tell him to go at his own pace with dealing with his dreams. He needed to do what he was comfortable with and slowly work his way up.

xx December 1945

Berwald is busy writing away in his journal!! I’m so happy he’s actually writing, and so soon! I only gave him the book today so it’s refreshing to see him taking my advice!

Seeing him write, I decided that maybe I should give him some space. So while I have some time, I guess I should write about a nightmare that I had last night. I was able to go back to sleep afterwards, luckily, but not that easily. I guess I should get right into it.

I was back in Ivan’s home and I was with the other nations that were stuck with him. Everybody was scared, as usual, but something was off. It seemed like they were scared for someone. Usually they would be scared of Ivan and his boss, but there was whispering and they were glancing over at someone. And Ravis was crying, but I didn’t think much of it because Ravis could be quite emotional, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, I asked Eduard if everything was okay and he just shook his head. The room grew darker and then fell silent after a few footsteps were heard. They sounded super loud, which kind of made the situation scarier. And then the door was open and Ivan was there with his boss. This wasn’t anything new because they were always coming to talk to us or take somebody into a separate room. But this time the room was just staring at me. And I started to get really scared! (Well…more scared because I was already terrified. I was in the Soviet Union, for crying out loud.) I didn’t know what was going on until Ivan started walking towards me. He looked kind of sad, but then grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the room.

I tried to yell at the others to help me, but they just turned away from me. It was like they didn’t care. Some of them looked like they didn’t, or maybe they were just scared. I don’t know.

But I was yelling for help and for Ivan to let me go. And he said sorry to me and then threw me out of the room. His boss slammed the door shut and then I woke up. I didn’t know what to think when I did. I was sitting up when I woke up, I must have just sat myself up quickly so I wouldn’t fall back to sleep. But then Berwald woke up and asked me if I was okay. And after a few minutes, I went back to bed. Luckily, I’ve been staying in my bed through the nights more, which I think has been helping in a way.

Berwald has been holding onto me when we sleep, which I think makes me feel safer. And it also reminds me that we’re in the house and I’m not back with Ivan. (Plus, he smells like Berwald and not Ivan’s house.) At first being held onto reminded me of how I would huddle up with Eduard, Ravis and Toris to keep warm at night. And we would also hold onto each other because we were scared we would wake up with somebody missing. Yekaterina and Natalia did the same thing, but with each other. A few other nations broke up into smaller groups too. We were all just scared of Ivan, really. And I think it’s so sad that his own sisters were afraid of what he would do. I just hope that that stupid union breaks up soon. I can’t even imagine what they’re going through over there. And now Gilbert is stuck over there because he now has to represent East Germany.

As angry as I am with Ludwig and everybody who was a part of the war, I would never wish for a family being separated.  On anybody.  After seeing how difficult it was with my family, I don’t think I would ever want that to happen to anybody, it’s too painful. And at least with my family, we were able to come back together rather quickly, but for Gilbert and Ludwig they could be separated for a lot longer. And they can’t even visit each other. Hopefully Gilbert can keep those in the Soviet Union safe.

I just hope that I can get through this soon…I want to get through nightmares easier and work on becoming stronger mentally. It’s been really hard, but I think my progress is coming along. I just have to be patient with the process and also myself. Berwald is making sure that I’m comfortable and not forcing myself to do too much at once. I have to push myself, but not to the point where I’m exhausting myself. It has to be healthy. And I don’t think I’m doing half bad.☺️

~Tino Väinämöinen of _Suomen Tasavalta_

When Tino gave Lukas and Emil journals, they took the books easily. Emil didn’t touch his for a while, though. _Writing_? No. he didn’t think it’d help at first. At all. He just kept reading late at night and continued to stay in his room. But there was a point where Lukas got fed up with him. He walked into Emil’s room, saw the empty journal, and replaced Emil’s novel with it. And no matter how much Emil tried to argue, Lukas wasn’t having it. He didn’t want to be too hard on Emil, but knew that doing nothing wouldn’t help him at all.

So Lukas didn’t give Emil his copy of _Wuthering Heights_ back until he wrote at least three entries by the end of the week about how he felt. Lukas saw how much the writing was helping Berwald and Mathias just after a few days, and knew that Emil needed it. So he got tougher on him. And once Emil started writing, he lightened up again. And soon enough Emil wasn’t reading as much, and wrote up to seven page entries about how he felt.

Another way Lukas got tougher on his brother was reducing the amount of time he could stay in his room. He didn’t want to do it, but Emil wasn’t coming out of his room and nothing else was working. It started about three weeks after the journal writing began. Emil was given a set amount of time in his bedroom, and each week it would decrease slightly.

And Emil had trouble, but wrote down how he felt each time the time decreased. And he wrote _a lot_. But he wrote down in the kitchen at the table. And the rest of the family would sit down with him, drinking coffee. And as he got more comfortable with being out of his room, he would talk more.

xxxxx Dec 1945

I honestly don’t think that this is gonna do anything. I’d much rather be reading _Wuthering Heights_ than writing about my feelings or whatever, but I guess I don’t have a choice now.

I’m not a child, I don’t know why Lukas took my book away. If I really wanted to write, I would have started already. There’s a reason why I don’t want to write and that’s because it’s boring. Books are not boring, hence why I was reading so much. Well and because what else can I really do in my bedroom but clean? But now I have to write three entries by the end of the week or I don’t get my damn book back.

Ugh, am I being selfish? Am I a selfish person for not writing my feelings down? Am I selfish for being scared to leave my room? I know that my family is just trying to help me through everything, but the thought of getting out of my room is the worst thing I can think about doing. I want nothing more than to step out of my room without looking up and down the hallway a million times. I don't even know what I’m looking for most of the time. I probably look fucking crazy.

AHHHHHH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO MOST OF THE TIME!!!! I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL DAMMIT! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK!!!!??

Why can’t I just be like Tino and write in this journal and feel better? Why is it that I’m so scared of leaving my room? Wouldn’t I want to be surrounded by everybody after being apart for so long?

I hate myself so much for being like this. I’m not a child so why am I acting like this? I’ve had anxiety before but this is so much worse. I know that it’s the anxiety making me feel like this and that I have to fight it, but ~~some days~~ most days it’s easier to just let it take over. And it tells me not to leave my room so I don’t. What if Ludwig is out there again with his boss taking Mathias and Lukas away? What if Ivan is out there again taking Tino? Then what? I can’t do it again, I won’t. Being on my own was the scariest shit I’ve ever been through so now that I’m somewhat used to it, why not just keep being alone?

I don’t even make any sense. None of this does.

Fuck this, I can’t write anymore. I’ll ~~talk~~ write about it more tomorrow and then the day after to get my fucking book back. This shit just freaked me out and made me angry more than anything.

Emil Steilsson | _Lýdhveldidh Ísland_

Lukas, unlike the others, took a different approach to his journal. He tried to start writing the first day that he got his journal, but nothing came to him. And after a few weeks, he was getting more frustrated by his lack of results. He knew that they had different experiences from the others, but he was just having trouble getting his thoughts down as easily as them.

xxxxx December 1945

This is _indescribably_ hard. I’ve been sitting in front of this page with my pen in my hand for at least twenty minutes, trying to figure out how to start this damn thing. I feel like such a hypocrite because I told Emil that he _had_ to write at least three entries for the week and I can barely write one.

I’ve been trying so damn hard to get entries written, but no matter what I just can’t get my thoughts down properly. My first entry was decent, but they’ve been getting shorter and shorter as time has gone on.

Who knew writing about feelings could be so hard? ~~I~~ ~~It’s not~~ ~~It’s kind of hard~~ ~~It’s not as hard as~~ I didn’t think it would be this hard, yet here I am. It’s taking me way too long to get a page done. Tino and Berwald start writing and everything just comes to them. And it seems like everybody can just write and write like they know what they’re doing. Why can’t I concentrate on something? Where do I even start?

 ~~Mathias~~ ~~They aren’t~~ ~~Emil is~~ ~~I can’t~~

**FUCK**

And it was frustrating, to say the least. He wanted to be able to get past what he was going through, but it wasn’t working. Most of the time he couldn’t even finish entries. And he tried _really hard_ to finish entries.

So one night, when he was alone in the kitchen after dinner, he saw his notebook laying on the counter. It’d been a week since his last attempt at an entry, and he knew that he had to write something new. But _what_ ? What could he possibly write about? He had _nothing_ to write about!

Sure, his family was messed up, but he thought and wrote about that so much he thought his hand would fall off, or his brain would turn to mush. He couldn’t stand it. There was nothing interesting about writing about how his family was depressed. Yeah, nobody would read it, but he still didn’t want to write about it.

Why would he write about what the war did to his family again? Why would he write about Ludwig and his boss? Why would he–?

Wait.

 _Ludwig_.

Lukas was having trouble writing about how he felt because he wasn’t really sure what he was feeling. He didn’t know what to think about that, either. And Ludwig had caused most of that. Well, Ludwig’s _boss_ had caused it. But he could write about that.

Lukas kept his eyes on the book and walked over to it. He grabbed it from the counter and took his seat again. Maybe writing about this would come easier to him. It had to. It was something he hadn’t thought to write about, and something that he could really unpack.

He took the pen in his hand and wrote the date at the top of the page, and under it he added,

_Dear Ludwig,_

He knew that this letter would never go to Ludwig, but it helped to direct it to somebody. And he found that he was writing a lot faster than he ever had. 

I’m mad at you.

The only reason I can even write right now is because I dedicated the letter to you so I have a reason to write. You gave me somewhere to direct my anger. And the first thing I have to tell you is that you ruined my family. I don’t want to say that because it sounds horrible, but you did. Everybody is scared and we all have ridiculous nightmares. Tino is scared of everything because of his nightmares from the war, but I guess that isn’t your fault because Ivan took him, not you. But he still had to deal with a part of the war because you and your stupid boss created so many issues with everybody.

What was the point of all of this? Power? Your boss needed to _hurt_ others for power? What are you? A king from the 1700s? A colonizer? No, you’re one of the biggest nations and you should have learned from the first World War. But you didn’t. Why? Why didn’t you fucking learn? Instead, you and your boss forced a bunch of people to live with you for more power. My brother is terrified of leaving his room now because you decided to take away the two nations that used to be in charge of him. You gave him so much anxiety that he can barely get out of his bedroom anymore without feeling some sort of panic.

Well…he’s getting better now. But he was depressed for so long and I couldn’t do anything to help him. He would ask me to take away his fear and I couldn’t. If you hadn’t created that fear, our family might have been somewhat normal again. Every time I think about you, I’m angry. You piss me off even though I haven’t seen you in person for months because we haven’t had as many world meetings since everything. But the mere _idea_ of me having to see you just messes with me so much that I can barely breathe. And I hate that because I wasn’t like that before.

I can’t stand you. That’s all I can say. You’re a horrible person. Your boss was a monster. And I know that you have had faults, but this goes beyond just being able to accept an apology that you might blurt out to appease those you’ve hurt. But you dragged Roderich and so many other poor people into your messes. You dragged Mathias into it! And then me! You scared him so bad that he was dependent on beer when we all first started living together again.

And you made me live with you and see the horrors of war. Horrors of war that I didn’t even think existed. You showed me what humanity was capable of and I wish that I hadn’t seen it. I just want to forget everything that happened, but I can’t. You showed me things that nobody should ever have to see or go through, and I can’t get the images out of my head.

I want to hate you, but I can’t. You’re a fellow nation and I won’t be able to avoid you forever, especially considering that we will most likely be around for another few hundred, or maybe thousands, of years. I’m just so mad at you that it hurts. It literally hurts to be mad.  _Me_ of all people. I’m not usually like this!

I know that a lot of nations and citizens of other countries have blamed you and only you for everything. Surprisingly, I don’t blame you for everything, mainly because your boss was behind most of it and kept a lot from you during it. I know that you didn’t really know the full extent of what was going on, but you still represent the country that was behind all of it. And it spread to other nations. But your boss was sneaky and I know that that isn’t your fault. But I can’t help but be mad at you. And I almost feel bad for being so mad at you for what your boss did, but I don’t know who else to feel it towards. I can’t feel mad at him because he’s dead. I wanted him to rot in jail until his death, but he didn’t, and that pisses me off even more. _You_ piss me off and I’m even more pissed off at the fact that I feel this way in the first place!

I don’t know how to feel or what to feel anymore! But no matter how I feel I cannot bring myself to hate you. Nothing in me will allow it. I can only think of what to do with myself, and I don’t know what to do with that. I just want to feel better and to get back to my old life with my family. I don’t want Mathias to rely on beer and fear relapsing, I don’t want Emil to be afraid of his own shadow or be scared to come out of his room, and I don’t want Berwald to hide how he feels, and I don’t want Tino to have nightmares about anything anymore. I just don’t want us to feel this pain anymore. The trauma is painful, and I know that all trauma is painful, but I think this is some of the worst feelings I’ve ever had to deal with.

But no matter how I feel towards you or about this war, it won’t change what happened. And I have to accept that. I think that the hardest thing after everything is dealing with the pain and knowing that I have to get past everything. It feels like I won’t.

I think that writing this, I feel so angry and I finally have a place to put all of that anger without hurting anybody. If I were to actually send this letter to you, I don’t know what your reaction would be. Or if you would even read it. (You probably would because you’re so anal about everything.) I don’t think I would want you to answer either. But if you did, I would read it. And if I were to send this to you and share how I’m feeling, I would feel bad that I made you feel guilty. Because at the end of the day, it’s not really your fault. You did not choose to give Hitler the power he had. (It’s taking everything in me to not angrily scribble his name away until the paper rips.) You didn’t think he would hurt all of those people. And I know that bosses don’t always have the same morals as their personified country. And I am relieved to know that you don’t share the same beliefs as him, and you are not biased or prejudiced against anybody. I think that’s what‘s keeping me from hating you, to be completely honest.

Sitting here, writing at this point, it feels like I’ve written so much but not enough. My hand is cramping so maybe I should stop. And I could probably focus on another emotion that isn’t anger later when I have to write again. I don’t hate you. And I only blame your boss for everything, not you because it isn’t your fault. And after everything, I guess there’s really only one thing I could say to you to give me the closure I need (or get me closer to that closure):

I forgive you.

Signed,

Lukas Bondevik of Kongeriket Norge

And then he put his pen down and looked down at the paper. _Wow._ It was all he could think. Then he went through the pages and saw just how long his letter really was. He thought about what he had written, and why he did.

He felt lighter. He wasn’t happy because he actually felt things he didn’t want to, but there was a lighter feeling in his chest and on his shoulders. He sat back in his chair and just stared at the paper. _Now what?_ What could he do with this? Should he actually mail this to Ludwig? Was that the mature thing to do?

Then again…Ludwig’s side of the war was _not_ mature. There was nothing mature about murdering people. Lukas shook his head, slamming this notebook shut. He’d take some time to think about.

He walked up to his bedroom after finishing cleaning the rest of the kitchen. But he left his notebook on the table.

~

The next morning, Lukas went downstairs before anybody else had woken up. It was still early and he was going to go back to sleep, but couldn’t. His notebook and the letter he wrote had moved his mind from thinking about how horrible the war was to if sending this letter could finally get Lukas the closure he wanted (and needed). Everybody else was able to get that by writing how they felt in their journals. How was it that he couldn’t get any closure by just writing? And how was it that writing brought him down a new road where he was even more confused?

He didn’t even touch the coffee pot, which was very new for him. But he didn’t want coffee, he was already wide awake. He went straight to the table, where his notebook was still laying. He opened the journal quickly and read through what he wrote the previous night. There was so much to unpack, and just so many feelings on that paper.  
  


I’m mad at you.

And the first thing I have to tell you is that you ruined my family.

What was the point of all of this?

Why didn’t you fucking learn?

But the mere _idea_ of me having to see you just messes with me so much that I can barely breathe. And I hate that because I wasn’t like that before.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

I don’t know how to feel or what to feel anymore!

I think this is some of the worst feelings I’ve ever had to deal with.

(It’s taking everything in me to not angrily scribble his name away until the paper rips.)

Sitting here, writing at this point, it feels like I’ve written so much but not enough.

I don’t hate you.

I forgive you.

Signed,

Lukas Bondevik of _Kongeriket Norge_

He stared at the paper. Even though he wrote _I forgive you._ , he still did not have the closure he said he would get. He didn’t even feel that much closer to it, either. He was still so angry. He knew what he had to do. He took the tops of the pages in his fingertips gently, and began to rip carefully. He tore the pages out of his notebook and pushed the book aside after they were out.

At the bottom of the last page, he scribbled a quick note at the bottom that said,

Don’t feel the need to respond to this, I won’t be offended.

He left the pages on the table and stood from his chair, going up to his room quickly. There were envelopes in one of his desk drawers with stamps. After he had what he needed, he rushed back downstairs. Laying the envelope on the table, he bent over it and quickly wrote down the address he’d be sending it to. He placed the pen down and took the letter in his hands, folding it carefully before putting it in the envelope. He sealed it and stuck the stamp on it.

This is what he needed. And he was listening to his family by writing. But to _truly_ give himself the closure he needed…he had to send this. It wasn’t enough telling his family how he felt. He had to tell the man who was the cause of the war—the man who had hurt his family so badly—what he’d done.

He didn’t even bother putting on his slippers or a robe, he just grabbed the letter and went outside to the mailbox. He laid the letter in it and shut the door. _No going back now._ And he was okay with that. Then he went back into the house. He had a feeling this would be a good thing to write about too.

~

“Where’s Emil?”, Tino asked, sitting with his cup of coffee.

Lukas shrugged. “I haven’t had the chance to check on him yet.” He sipped his coffee. “I didn’t really get a lot of sleep so I’m behind this morning.”

“That’s okay,” Mathias said, taking his seat next to Lukas with his own cup. He saw the notebook and pen resting in front of Lukas. “Were you writing?” He took a sip from his mug.

Berwald and Tino both turned to Lukas, who sucked in a breath. “Yeah,” he answered. “And I think I finally was able to get through an entry without getting stuck on anything.”

“That’s good!”, Tino cheered.

Emil walked into the kitchen slowly. “Morning.”

The men turned to him. “Morning,” Lukas said. “Sorry I didn’t wake you up.”

Emil shook his head, walking to the other side of him to sit. “I woke up early anyway and just spent the morning writing.” He saw Lukas’s notebook. “Were you doing the same?”

Lukas shrugged. “Not really, but I did write a lot last night.”

“Good.”

Mathias looked at Emil over Lukas. “So, are you doing better with coming down here?”

“Kinda.” He looked down at the table. “Um, it’s a lot easier than it used to be.”

“But today nobody had to kinda push you to get out,” Tino pointed out. “That’s good, it means you’re getting better with it.”

Emil nodded smally. “Guess so. It’s still kinda scary sometimes.”

“That’s okay, it’ll definitely get easier with more time.”

“I know.”

There was a small moment of silence and Mathias used it to look around at everyone. He had a smile on his face. And it wasn’t forced like it was before, it was genuinely happy.

Berwald noticed it first. “What?”

“We’re all down here,” he said happily. “Together.”

Berwald nodded and drank from his cup.

Tino smiled big. “It’s nice being together.”

“It is.”

The men looked around at each other and traded smiles. There was silence between them, but this time it wasn’t deafening. In fact, it was calming for once. And they were able to finally enjoy each other’s company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's finished!! Healing is now complete!! Thank you to everybody who read this! I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Some little things I would like to say is that I had this written on a Google Doc and all of the letters were written in different fonts to give the impression of handwritings, but then I realized I can't do that on here :( But it's okay, I'm just happy I could share my story with others!  
> Also some of the letters have a different amount of x's for the dates so it showed that some were written on different days to make it more realistic.  
> Again, thank you to everybody who read this!
> 
> Translations!!  
> Danish: Kongeriget Danmark: Kingdom of Denmark  
> Swedish: Konungariket Sverige: Kingdom of Sweden  
> Finnish: Suomen Tasavalta: Republic of Finland  
> Icelandic: Lýdhveldidh Ísland: Republic of Iceland


End file.
